Is It Right To Have High Expectations For My Future Spouse?

gracewan1 asked a question:

Is there such a thing/anything wrong with placing too high of an expectation for your future spouse? This is when what you desire does seem to align with what God wants for us?

Hey my friend, I think it’s totally right to set good expectations for a spouse.  You’ll be living with this person the rest of your life and they’ll be raising children with you and at least half-responsible for your well-being and future direction.  It’s a pretty big deal.

Yet as much stock as we put into a spouse, here’s a few things to consider.

1) Setting unreasonable expectations on a spouse can crush them or crush ourselves. 

I’ve seen when men or women focus too much on finding the “right one” instead of making themselves the right one first.  When this happens, a subtle shift in our heart makes us into a blame-shifting nightmare.  When things go wrong, we blame the other person for falling short or we blame ourselves for screwing it up.  Or if your spouse is in a bad mood, having a bad day, or feeling distant because of their own inner-drama, you’ll crush yourself on thinking you did this to them.  An over-emphasis on anything in life will always control you or you’ll end up trying to control them.

Continue reading “Is It Right To Have High Expectations For My Future Spouse?”

My Upcoming Book, Releasing Sunday October 26th!

Dating preview


Hello beloved wonderful friends!
This is a preview for the cover of my new book, releasing this Sunday, October 26th!
It’s called: The Christianese Dating Culture: On Courtship, Purity Rings, Prayer-Sex, and Other Weird Things We Do In Church.

I talk about the bizarre subculture of Christian dating within our churches, including an honest response to Joshua Harris (who wrote I Kissed Dating Goodbye) and an examination of our reactionary church tactics.  I also get personal, about overcoming my fifteen year porn addiction and the time I tried to take my life over a girl. And like my last book, I answer real questions from real people about sex, dating, and relationships.

When you have time, please send a prayer, even for five seconds, that God will do His restorative life-giving work through these words, because God is in the business of infusing grace in busted up vessels like you and me.

Love y’all and thank you!
— J.S.


Love Would Cut In and Open The Door.


Whenever we dismiss someone as incapable of change, we instantly suckerpunch the sovereign grace of God.

We are downsizing His sovereignty to those people and not these. Then we’re no longer talking about God. We’re just exposing our laziness.

You know what I mean. I see a person on their first lap of faith and I make assumptions; I see 0.5 percent of a person’s life and somehow predict their future; I see half a story and presume the whole story. But this is a sort of evil that holds back potential, that undermines growth, that destroys a child’s dreams. It’s an ugliness that I’ve experienced from others, who wouldn’t give me a shot, who wouldn’t see past their negative filters and accusations and condemnations, who saw me as a deadbeat nobody with no hope of a turnaround.

But occasionally, love would cut in and open a door. It grew my heart. It embraced me in.

Love sees a greatness in someone who cannot see it in themselves.

Love keeps no record of wrongs. It hopes in all things, it does not rejoice in evil. It perseveres.


— J.S. from What The Church Won’t Talk About