I’m Still Alive


CW/TW

A year ago I began taking antidepressants.

Almost twenty years ago I tried to take my life. I spent three days hospitalized after ingesting half a bottle of pills.

Over ten years ago I fell into one of the worst depressions of my life. I was laughed at by the pastor of the church where I worked.

There was a time I would’ve been deeply ashamed to tell you all this. We’ve made a lot of progress on the stigma around mental health, but so many myths are still ingrained.

This year is the first time I’ve had entire weeks without thinking about suicide. I never knew it was possible. I used to think about it every single day. That was my norm. It still happens sometimes, but I don’t dread when it will. I also don’t dread happiness either. Antidepressants don’t suddenly make you “happy,” but they open the possibility that happiness is not attached to a trap door, small print, a karmic pay-off. It turns impossible into imaginable. For even a moment, joy becomes guilt-free.

A few months ago I managed to stopped taking medication for five weeks. But on week five, I spiraled out and went back on. I thought somehow I had failed. I knew that was objectively false, but that’s how deep the stigma goes. I’m finding it okay to be on medication for life, if I need it. And today, I need it. I’m thankful.

I don’t know if the next one will win. But I’m here. I’m still here. Thank God, I am here.

Thank you friends for your prayers, messages, stories.
You keep me alive too.

— J.S.

5 thoughts on “I’m Still Alive

  1. JS, so glad you are here. Love your honesty, we all struggle with something. Abundant blessings of love, life, and light through Jesus. May the light of God shine bright.and encourage you. Prayers of love, hope, and encouragement! ❤️🤗

    Like

  2. God does not apply one patch to every problem for each person. The uniqueness God has placed in each of us calls for creative service. If medication is your road, Praise God! The only failure that is embarrassing is when we act like we are God instead of acting like God as Jesus revealed The Creator to be – love.
    Peace

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.