If you ever met me, you would think I was an extrovert — I preach, I lead praise, I talk to everyone, I talk too much, and you can hear me laughing from across the street — but I am a full-blooded introvert.
If it were up to me, I’d rather be in my boxers all day eating Godiva while browsing food photo blogs and bothering my dog and cracking up at YouTube videos of Whose Line Is It Anyway and leaving dry ironic comments all over Facebook while reading the latest theory on how Sherlock survived the second season finale.
I intensely guard my personal space and my private life. It takes a herculean effort to step outside my comfort zone and interact with messy, fleshy, real live human beings.
Here’s how you handle us.
1) In a small group or Bible study or cell meeting, do NOT make us talk.
Introverts are much more methodical and tend to process things. In a group discussion, our silence doesn’t mean we’re not listening. We’re just trying to fit the pieces together in our own head. We aim to be thoughtful and deliberate. Please be sensitive to our secret mind palace. We’ll talk when we dang well feel like it.
2) We just don’t sing like the front row.
It’s great that extroverts can freely express themselves during worship time. But introverts sometimes just read the lyrics, connect inwardly, and keep their hands inside the vehicle. If you see us raising even one hand and singing a few words, we are seriously pushing the gas pedal all the way to the floor.
3) Do not ever rebuke us in public.
Or you and I are done. Forever. You should never do this anyway.
4) Extroverts: be patient in conversation and don’t treat my every word like your personal victory.
Extroverts, it’s okay if you monopolize the conversation. We do like to listen. But please don’t treat us like your personal project with a precious pearl inside. And don’t try to squeeze out my life story as if you’re trying to save us. Earn trust by being a friend first. Unlike extroverts, we’re not good at being best friends on the first day.
5) Fellow introverts: find us quickly.
See me standing awkwardly on the side of the sanctuary watching everyone else have fun? Hurry up and find me so we can make amusing sarcastic comments about life and possibly grow a lifelong spiritual bond that these extroverts can’t understand.
6) We can do anything an extrovert can do.
I’ve seen an entire spectrum of personalities take the “front stage” of church. Not every introvert is meant for “behind the scenes.” Just coach us with extra grace.
7) We get super-tired around a lot of people.
My limit is about four hours, and then I actually get a headache from just hanging around human beings. My Sabbath rest is leave-me-alone-time with my non-judgmental dog. Give us that time without trying to counsel us about it.
8) Don’t be offended if we don’t reply right away.
Sometimes when we see a Facebook invite to that next big church event, we just let it sit there and think about it periodically throughout the week and then come back to it before committing. We do the same thing with text messages, emails, phone calls, and you showing up at the door.
9) Don’t be offended if you see me being extra talkative or friendly with someone else.
Sometimes introverts just interact with people in different ways. It doesn’t mean we don’t like you: it just means we choose to reveal that specific part of us to another pastor, another church buddy, or that cool introvert I just met five minutes ago. You should be cheering us for even opening up at all.
10) Please do NOT bring a lot of attention to us.
Not in the church bulletin, not the church site, not for my birthdays, not for that nice thing I did for the homeless — just please, no spotlight.
11) Sometimes we’re just moody. It’s not depression or a “spiritual attack” or “unconfessed sin.”
One word: space. Lots of it.
12) We don’t always know what to say, but we still care about you.
We use less words and we don’t always use them well, but if we chose to spend this time with you, that means we care.
13) When life gets hard, you don’t have to say anything. Just be there.
Sometimes we just get totally flustered and want to give up: but that’s not the time for lectures or theology or super-awesome advice. Bring a movie or something; bake a cake; bring cookies. Be there for the meltdown and we’ll eventually ask for the wisdom. We very much treasure your scalpel-like gentleness with us.
14) When we get hyper, we are weird and corny and loud and awkward — so be ready for that and embrace it.
On the third day of a church retreat or when it’s five in the morning at a lock-in, the inner-beast might be unleashed. But it’s not very cool and calculated and witty like an extrovert. It’s all kinds of nerdy and neurotic with a shaky voice and twitchy flailing, as if we’re learning to use our bodies for the first time: and in a sense, we are.
When that happens, please don’t humiliate us. Roll with it, laugh with us, and endure our horrible dance moves and bad impressions.
If you do, we are loyal to you for life.
Originally posted here on my Tumblr.
Good stuff. I have a few of those in my group, so I’m always curious to figure out if I’m talking too much and stuff. These are solid tips.
Thank you. I tried not to cry reading this because people REALLY don’t get us introverts. It ain’t easy, true enough, but like, seriously… 1-14. #thatisall
Reblogged this on theflufffreejournal and commented:
Probably my favorite reblog ever….
Reblogged this on Sophia's Voice and commented:
What I would have written if I’d thought of it first…
Reblogged this on My Life.
Haha this is so true! I especially liked this one:
11) Sometimes we’re just moody. It’s not depression or a “spiritual attack” or “unconfessed sin.”
One word: space. Lots of it.
Amen and amen from a fellow introvert
yup. “just leave me alone …!”
I love this. It all rings true for me, with the exception that I do raise my hands in church. But I don’t sing out loud. lol. I love 7, 8, 10, and 11!! Actually, I love them all! I need to make everyone I know read this so they will understand me better.
Thanks for the honest replies!
This also got a pretty big response on my Tumblr:
http://jspark3000.tumblr.com/post/37804515166/14-ways-to-handle-a-christian-introvert
I recognize that not every single point will fit all people, and extroverts feel some of these too.
Also: Not everyone stays an introvert or extrovert over a lifetime. I believe the greatest transformation I’ve seen is George Foreman, who went from a cold steely competitor of few words to the happiest grill salesman in the world. He has a great testimony as well.
Love this post! It took me the longest time (decades, really) to realize that being an introvert is not a short-coming or a deficit. Now I embrace my rich interior life and how I’m wired! Blessings to all the introverts out there!!
Love this so much. Thank you for sharing it with the WordPress world!
~Kim
Reblogged this on Dear Someone, and commented:
Me: In a fallen nutshell in a dark, shaded corner of the backyard, under a pile of leaves.
This is everything I have learned about myself, fought hard against, tried to stifle, cried over, got angry about, questioned God, didn’t want to accept… But now I do accept it. I may not always like it, but it is me.
You nailed me to a T, JS…. well done!
Reblogged this on Musings of a Perpetual Dreamer and commented:
Oh my goodness! I love this person for writing this! This post describes me to a T!
Oh…my….God….yes…to….it…all. YES! *awkwardly flailing arms*
I’m all for trying to understand people better, esp introverts. But most of these statements just talk about everyone else catering to the introvert and it doesn’t sound like the introvert shows any grace themselves. Someone can just write an article about an extrovert and everything that people should do to make the extrovert feel comfortable and cater to them.
D,
In some ways I totally agree. I was an extreme introvert because I was most concerned about me and didn’t want to put myself out there. While some people are naturally quiet and thoughtful people, some “shy” people are just all about being concerned about making themselves comfortable and not considering that they could help make others comfortable. Again I know this because I was this. Now I’m just ankwardly extroverted . . . yet not a real extrovert. I just realize that though I am uncomfortable at least I’m speaking and at least I’m trying to make the other person comfortable, even if it’s by allowing them to laugh at my stupid faux pas
This was published on ChurchLeaders.com here!
Reblogged this on Christopher C. Randolph and commented:
God loves introverts too. Here’s some excellent advice and a bit of insight into the inner workings of an introvert.
God. Bless,
Christopher
Christopher, I feel like I just read my bio! I’ve been in leadership positions most of my life and at the end of the day, I’m WHOOPED! I’m glad that I’m not the only one who doesn’t belt it out in church too, I’ve been humming for years! Thanks for posting, that was a real treat! Have a good one friend.
I really like this post, but there is a misconception about talkativeness and introversion/extroversion, which really has nothing to do with that. It’s determined by how one is energized – by being alone or around people. There is also a difference with introverted thinkers and introverted feelers – the latter are much more relational (especially NFs) and are often the first to open up in small groups or one on one. Lastly, you have to consider the male/female difference. Women, even introverted ones, and especially feeling types (which is 60% of us), are more relational. So I get tired of the introverted thinking males putting everything about their personalities under the umbrella of introversion. There’s more to it than that.
I really appreciate what you said here. I am a talkative introvert. I love being the center of attention as long as I can go home and relax with no one but my family around. It is all about where your energy comes from and not about how talkative you are.
Yes! There are so many kinds of introverts, but the common thread is where we are most “alive” and ourselves.
Amazing…I’ve never heard someone nail it so perfectly. I always just thought I was some freak of nature that could pull off being an ‘up front’ leader…teaching, preaching, leading worship…while at the same time still feeling like such an introvert!! Thanks for providing words so that I could just hit ‘share’ and say “Here…this is me. Now you know.”
In fact, after commenting I read this much out loud to my kids…
“If you ever met me, you would think I was an extrovert — I preach, I lead praise, I talk to everyone, I talk too much, and you can hear me laughing from across the street — but I am a full-blooded introvert.
If it were up to me, I’d rather be in my boxers all day eating Godiva while browsing food photo blogs and bothering my dog and cracking up at YouTube videos of Whose Line Is It Anyway and leaving dry ironic comments all over Facebook while reading the latest theory on how Sherlock survived the second season finale.”
My daughter said “DUDE!!!, It’s you!!!”
(And then my son said…”You wear boxers???… I *knew* it!! bwahahah!!”)
Yeah, you definitely nailed it.
Hilarious, encouraging, and awesome!
Again, I do think churches tend to be a little biased for extroverts and against introverts, so I wrote with that in mind. I’ve met so many introverts who were untapped goldmines of talent waiting for an opportunity to shine. Seems like you’re one of them!
Finally, someone understands me! Thank you so much for writing this. God bless you! It’s not wrong to be an introvert; we just approach things differently!
Thank you so much for this post. I can truly relate. I serve “out front” as an associate minister in my church. My church is very expressive where you’re more likely to get a hug than an handshake. I’m naturally more comfortable with the handshake, but I’ve learned to become comfortable with the hug. Honestly there are times after service that I feel like James T. Kirk & want to call on Scottie to “beam up me” rather than wading through the congregation to exit through the rear of the church. I can take solace in that I believe Jesus was an introvert. He served publicly, but you also him retreating from the crowds to spend time alone with the Father or his disciples.
Thanks for sharing! I realize I’ve written a pretty extreme case of the introvert (or perhaps the normative case), and there are so many different kinds as there are people. I label myself an “extroverted introvert,” because while I can be loud and outgoing, I really lean towards time by myself.
On your point about Jesus: the interesting thing here is that most of us put Jesus into our “own image,” which Scot McKnight showed in his timeless article here. I tend to think Jesus incorporated a distinct personality like any of us: some shyness here, some loudness there, not exactly easy to pinpoint, but relatable with anyone. I bet he’d get along with the ADHD 17 year old as much as the quiet 40 year old single mother. I wouldn’t expect much less of Christ.
I personally believe that introverts take longer to build trust in others, but once they do all the reflection on the inside begins to find a way to be expressed without feeling threatened…but always need more time being in quiet surrounds than an extrovert .
Recently read “Introverts in the Church” by Adam McHugh and it delves even deeper into this issue. Also puts it into perspective with extroverts. The only things I”d add is “Realize it takes us longer to process things emotionally, than it does others. So the ‘other word’ would be TIME.”
I could never put my introvert-ness in to words, and now you’ve done it for me
lol
This was so great! There has been so many times of people trying to make me “come out of my shell”. But there is no shell. That is me, just an introvert! Wonderful post!! Thank you:)
Reblogged this on A man, a woman, and two cats and commented:
This guy just became my hero.
Very well expressed will share with others.
So many of these resounded with me! I appreciate the comments that have been made that made the distinctions between talkativenes/introverts/extroverts, etc. I’ve had several leadership positions,including all of my career positions, that have required me to speak in front of others. And my heart and ministry in our church for years has been to create and foster community. But I still am energized and restored when I’m alone (or with just my husband) at home.
One book that I’ve found to be so helpful, and really healing for me, is called Introverts In The Church by Adam McHugh, I believe.
So many aspects of our churches are catered toward extroverts, which leads to introverts feeling like they don’t belong, getting quickly burnt out, etc. Great read!
Thank you! I’ve been recommended the book by quite a few people so I’ll have to check it out.
Oh my goodness… you just told my life’s story… my spiritual father once told me – “dude you a closed book”
Just found your blog. I can relate to this topic on so many levels. Thanks and may God bless!
OMG! I almost peed myself
Reblogged this on Take Three.
Hi,
Thanks for following Under the Cover of Prayer. I am an introvert too – a mad writer who loves to paint, write and read. But I am okay in groups for short periods of time; great with one on one; and i do praise and worship with my hands and feet (must be the Holy Spirit – eh?); but I love my quiet time (even without music – just quiet).
Thanks for a great post,
Blessings,
Janis http://www.janiscox.com
Thank you for sharing! It’s awesome you’re so creative. While I know extroverts who do the same, I think introverts find it easier to express themselves in written/drawn mediums — the process goes at our own pace. Also I would say I love doing Quiet Time when I’m amidst people at Starbucks; for some reason the noise of people conditions me to remember that my faith is never apart from the people around me.
Hey, an autobiography/mirror! Thank you
I just discovered this post you wrote. Recently my husband and daughter both told me I am an introvert. I must admit I was somewhat insulted! LOL! Not much insults me anymore however I was somewhat intrigued by their perception of me. I have never thought of myself that way. My daughter who has minored in Psychology took the Myers Briggs personality test and recommended I do it. Shocked I found out I am 89% introvert. However even more surprising is I am in the 1% of a category that is very rare; thus I am an INFJ according to MB test. I do so appreciate this post here and did recognize myself in most of it. Actually I feel a lot better having read it.
Some of those personality tests are not very reliable since they force a binary choice, only one or the other. The Myers Brigg test is constantly called unscientific, but tons of HR departments use it (google Nothing Personal, the article by Guardian.co.uk which exposes the MT fallacy; great article). I scored nearly down the middle, hah. Plus, labels can make you crazy. I suppose the tests are fun.
Glad we could find some common threads. I’ve definitely become more introverted over time. I enjoy my bat cave and a good book much more these days.
All of this is gold. I should put#s 3, 7, 8, 11, 12, 13 and 14 in the “about me” section on fb:
Reblogged this on Forgiveness Factor and commented:
#s 3, 7, 8, 11, 12, 13 and 14
Thank you!!!
Reblogged this on One Christian Dad and commented:
Anyone who knows me should read this. I am sure this was written about me. It fits me to a tee. Read this you may understand me a little better. Ah we introverts truly are a strange lot.
An Extrovert’s response:
http://frommywindowseat.blogspot.com/2013/04/christian-extrovert-to-christian.html
I appreciate this side of things! I was trying to write something similar, but couldn’t quite get there.
I’m still surprised by the reaction on my post, even to non-Christians (especially on Tumblr where it sort of went viral). And again, I know there are so many different types of introverts and extroverts — these are really just shorthand labels. We can only hope to make it less intimidating for introverts to mingle in environments like the church.
Reblogged this on Who Is Maria? and commented:
It made me think of who I really am, of what God has been doing in the background in my life.
Thank youk
Reblogged this on Vallaura's Blog and commented:
…if you do, we are loyal to you for life.
Great post. I certainly fit in most of the introvert descriptions above and never liked that about myself thinking I was just odd and a dud. I wanted to be like the fun and adventurous people I saw and especially didn’t like my struggles in social situations. When my kids were growing up, my middle child was my introvert. I often tried to bring her out of her “box” because I didn’t want her to grow up a wallflower like me or feeling odd. Of course, trying to bring her out more only made her hide more. A couple of years ago, I realized through articles like this that she was behaving the way she was created to be and I was also behaving that way too. It gave me freedom to be myself without having to fit into “the mold”. Now I understand so much more about the time and space factor of introverts, including why time alone and time to think is so important to me. I like myself more finally, thank God, and feel more comfortable with who I am; but surely wish I had read something like this when my daughter was younger to help me understand both of us better. Thanks for the reminder. I think we need this reminder at least once a year!