Question: How Do I Rebuke A “Haughty” Mentor?

Anonymous asked:

What would you do if you were in my situation? I have been noticing “haughty eyes” syndrome in a bro-in-christ, and am unsure if I should be doing anything besides praying for God to be working in his heart. I know as a fellow sinner, I shouldn’t judge. But I just get this really terrible feeling whenever he very causally talks about his drug-using neighbors/ poor neighborhoods in a derogatory way etc. It’s a bit awkward bc he’s a former mentor of mine & sees me as the “cute” lil sis type”.

 

Dear sister in Christ: there is definitely a huge difference between judging someone and taking them aside to let them know what’s up as graciously as you can.  Some of us just don’t know any better until a friend grabs us and says, “This is NOT okay, and you’re better than that.”

Everyone has blind spots: and that’s why they’re called blind spots.

But when it comes to mentors or leaders or elders, it can be a very tricky thing.  Most leaders are so comfortable in their “role of authority” that it can be absolutely painful to hear about their own shortcomings. 

It’s already tough enough for any human being to hear about themselves, so imagine a leader having to hear hundreds of different criticisms all the time.  Reactions can range from angry to devastated to twitchy to self-conscious to panic to rationalizing to depression to tears.  Yep, even from a mature leader who knows better. 

It could just be a bad day or a bad mood: but mostly it’s because it’s painful, and we find ways to cover that pain.  When someone feels powerless or helpless or exposed — like during a rebuke — they will do insane things to gain control again. 

 

Over the years I’ve had many experiences of people who look up to me also take me aside privately to offer rebuke.  Some of those times went well; others, not so much. At times I recognized that not every rebuke is correct, but nearly all rebukes have some truth in them.  Sometimes it came with an agenda, and other times it was plain obvious I was wrong.

But I’ve also learned that no matter what, I need to graciously receive even the harshest words that might not be true. If I fly off the handle every time someone brings me truth, then I might be missing out on what God wants to do through me.

I’ve learned this the hard way dozens of times, and it only gets slightly easier. I’ve come to terms knowing it will always be a battle to hear about myself.  The same is true for your friend.

 

All that to say: Please say everything you need to say, but expect the worst kind of reaction and be patient through it.  Don’t take it too personally.  When someone rebukes me, I react all kinds of ways: but ultimately I’m more likely to hear them when they’re not twisting a knife and being a jerk.

Just expect the worst — and let your love finish to the end.

If your friend flips out, it doesn’t mean they’re a bad person.  It just means they’re human, like you and me, and that they have a hard time being confronted with the ugliness of their own souls: like all of us do. That’s what love does — it perseveres with someone even when they’re raging out.

So when you rebuke, please don’t use that time to say, “You suck at this” or “I thought you wouldn’t cry like a dang baby.” Just power through and make it to the end of the conversation.  It will be awkward and you might lose respect for this person for a little while, but if you feel it must be done, then do so with all grace. 

Don’t let them rationalize it away.  Bring up specific examples, not to be mean but only for solid evidence, and share your own weakness.  Encourage to a better place and look for a way forward, not back.  Pray for you friend with a heart of love.  If it ends terribly: you tried, and God sees you tried, and no one can say that you didn’t.  You will be glad you left no words unspoken.

 

Please don’t abuse the following.  Go with your heart, not a template — it can’t be a mechanical exercise.  But this is approximately a version of a rebuke I’ve had to say many times.

I want you to know I love you and I got your back all the way and you’re an awesome person.  But the other day, you did _____ and I thought ____.  Did I misinterpret that?  Did you really mean to ___?  I wouldn’t want anyone else to accuse you of being a ____.  It’s awkward for me to say this and it’s okay if it’s weird for a while, so I’m just asking if it’s something you could pray about. 

— J.S.