Day: June 20, 2013

Question: How Do I Rebuke A “Haughty” Mentor?

Anonymous asked:

What would you do if you were in my situation? I have been noticing “haughty eyes” syndrome in a bro-in-christ, and am unsure if I should be doing anything besides praying for God to be working in his heart. I know as a fellow sinner, I shouldn’t judge. But I just get this really terrible feeling whenever he very causally talks about his drug-using neighbors/ poor neighborhoods in a derogatory way etc. It’s a bit awkward bc he’s a former mentor of mine & sees me as the “cute” lil sis type”.

 

Dear sister in Christ: there is definitely a huge difference between judging someone and taking them aside to let them know what’s up as graciously as you can.  Some of us just don’t know any better until a friend grabs us and says, “This is NOT okay, and you’re better than that.”

Everyone has blind spots: and that’s why they’re called blind spots.

But when it comes to mentors or leaders or elders, it can be a very tricky thing.  Most leaders are so comfortable in their “role of authority” that it can be absolutely painful to hear about their own shortcomings. 

It’s already tough enough for any human being to hear about themselves, so imagine a leader having to hear hundreds of different criticisms all the time.  Reactions can range from angry to devastated to twitchy to self-conscious to panic to rationalizing to depression to tears.  Yep, even from a mature leader who knows better. 

It could just be a bad day or a bad mood: but mostly it’s because it’s painful, and we find ways to cover that pain.  When someone feels powerless or helpless or exposed — like during a rebuke — they will do insane things to gain control again. 

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Integrity Among Voices


Sometimes someone will make a premature, hasty judgment without knowing all the facts, and they will say some hurtful inconsiderate things. In their own mind, they believe they are doing the right thing by “standing up” for what is right. It is sincere and they are not the villain. We can’t blame them: because they just don’t know. They have been fed certain lies from a perpetuated false narrative, or they are speaking from an incomplete paradigm that cannot empathize with the many layers of a complex situation. It does not mean he or she is a bad person, but that gossip is really intoxicating even to the best of people.

We must not be so hard on someone who doesn’t have all the information. It doesn’t help to be rude to our “enemies.” Not everyone will be happy with our decisions, even if we get to explain our side of the story. Be gracious to gossipers, be kind to those who do not understand, and stay humble. I believe that the truth will always win, that hard work pays off, and that our integrity comes from both our actions AND our reactions. Trust God, love others, keep above the drama.

— J.S.