Question: When Forgiveness Is Rejected

Two anonymous questions:

– I went through a tough process of struggling with God to forgive someone who betrayed me. However after we reconciled he openly admitted to his insidious intentions and that he doesn’t care if I’m hurt. How do I deal with this double back stabbing and betrayal?

– I feel completely betrayed by a close friend of mine. I need to process and talk it over with my mentors and pastors. However, I don’t want to commit the same sin she did by slandering. She openly admitted to deliberately hurting me. Part of me wants to expose who she is, but I know justice belongs to Jesus. How do I start to heal?

 

I’m really sorry you have to deal with this and I know exactly how it feels.  There have been people that say “I forgive you” to my face only to discover they were lying right through their teeth.  I was also in a nightmare situation where a former friend acted completely remorseful everywhere else, but in private would give me a wink and imply, “I’m winning.”

Please first allow me the grace to point you to some previous posts:

– Betrayal, Forgiveness, Victory

– Praying For Jerks and Worse

– Forgiving Your Dang Parents

 

The thing is, forgiveness is a messy mucky difficult journey that almost never goes the way we want on either side.  It’s possible that the person who hurt you will never realize what they’ve done — and no amount of persuasion will get them to repent, even if you expose them.

People are self-protective, defensive, complicated, unwilling creatures.  The moment a person feels he or she has done something wrong, suddenly there are a million justifications for why it was necessary.  Everyone has a cover story for their own wrongdoing, which is almost always a lame excuse that wouldn’t hold up two seconds in a courtroom.  But somehow it makes sense inside a person’s tiny self-justifying brain.

You know this because you’ve done it too.

There are very few people in the world who straight up say, “I was wrong and I’m sorry.”  Even then, as you found out, it’s only for show.  And as much as it sucks, this is often how the world is: and it’s why we need God’s grace all the more.

You’ll need God’s grace to see this smug person everyday. 

You’ll need God’s grace to continue to be yourself around this person without kicking their face in.

You’ll need God’s grace to recognize he or she needs Jesus just as much as you do, to see they are broken like everyone else, to hope that maybe one day they will see themselves as they really are — the perpetrator of a terrible sin against another human being and a con artist to cover up that sin — and I hope these people get God’s grace too, because the other option is not a good one.

 

But until then, don’t let hate get a hold of your heart.  Don’t let hate define how you treat and trust other people.  Please don’t let this betrayal be a permanent splinter in your side.  You might never completely get over it, but that doesn’t mean you need to get under it either.

You can tell God all your horrible feelings of revenge and retaliation.  Be honest about that.  Christians sometimes feel they have to “nice-up” their prayers, but if you read Psalms or any of the prophets, you’ll see they are just as crazy as you and me.  Let God handle the ugly force of your anger.  Each day just wrestle with it, between you and Him, each night put it back on the shelf, and the volume of your hurt will decrease.  It’s slow, but honesty is the start to healing.  Don’t hide it — God is there to hear your venting. 

Also remember: forgiveness does not mean friendship.  And verbally forgiving someone who isn’t sorry will come across as self-righteous no matter how earnest you are.  Until they come around, you don’t need to say a word to them.  You can tell your pastor or any mutual friends about the situation, and leave it at that. 

I love you and I’m praying for you.

— J.S