I Nearly Lost My Faith Again


I have to be honest. Last year, I nearly lost my faith again.

Like many of us, I was in a bad place. I kept turning to the church for hope.

Online and off, I asked how to deal with the isolation, the loss of George Floyd, and hate crimes against Asian-Americans because of “China virus.” I was angry and afraid. I needed something, anything, to speak to my anxiety.

But the church did not hear my worries. It turned these events into a culture war that I barely understood. The answer for our suffering was apparently self-righteous politics and posture.

I know many churches, including mine, have done good things in this time. Yes, I still love the church, always. But my inbox, comments, and interactions told one story: too many Christians were more offended by my grief rather than listening to it. They couldn’t wait to argue.

I kept hearing, “If you don’t believe ___, you’re not a Christian. You’re deceived by worldly distractions. Quit looking at church, look to God.” When I protested or wore a mask, I only heard, “You’re a liberal leftist Marxist.” I didn’t understand many of these replies. They seemed cold and irrelevant to our hurt.

I waited for reassurance, lament, repentance. But the church fortified its doors and armed itself with conspiracy theories instead. It made persuasive transmission of information as the primary goal. So I prayed and wept alone.

Was I alone? To grieve the evangelical church’s fear of man to call out prejudice, injustice, and misinformation? Or the “both sides have a point” neutrality? Or that King David’s redemption story is extended to perpetually abusive politicians but never to those like George Floyd?

No, my faith can’t rest on people. But that doesn’t relieve my sense of abandonment. Trying to seek God in a church last year was like needing water in a desert but told “those secular people” were withholding it. Where is the water? How long, O Lord?

I hold onto one thing. I keep picturing Jesus’ hands stretched to both criminals on his left and right. It is my one hopeful vision in the desert. A gracious vision for this nation. Jesus reaching for someone like you and me is almost enough for the next moment. Almost.

— J.S.

4 thoughts on “I Nearly Lost My Faith Again

  1. It’s a difficult time for everyone right now. I think Jesus would show love and compassion to everyone if he was on earth right now as everyone is hurting and hurting others. He’d probably go to people that need him the most and it would undoubtedly offend those who thought he’d go somewhere else.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The same here. Conspiracies instead of confession. Abusive attacks instead of affirming another. Overt lack of love and concern for others and focus on fights and legal processes for “rights” to defy the law. This is Canada. This is people who name the Name of Jesus. I have had some deep grief as well you, dear brother, as relatives and friends chose lies and pride, selfish demands instead of servant heart under The Spirit. However, God has been much more gracious, and to that I cling. You (I) are not alone, though the devil would have us believe, like Elijah in his deepest chasm, “I only am left”.
    Peace

    Liked by 1 person

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