Just ten years ago, I tried to kill myself over a girl. She had cheated on me twice so I swallowed a bottle of pills and waited for her to find me dead. Part of me wanted to win her back and the other part of me wanted to end it all. Neither worked.
Looking back, I feel a sad sort of pathetic amusement about the whole thing. To this day, I still struggle with depression and that’s some very serious business, but to actually have tried to kill myself over another person makes me a bit embarrassed. Sometimes it garners sympathy and affirming looks, but other times I see people back away with incredulity, as if they would never let themselves take their drama so far.
Yet I want to tell the ones who don’t understand: It’s so very easy to get attached to a person, an idea, a “dream,” a type of future, and then get sick to your stomach over every part of it until you want to die.
It can happen to anyone. Drugs are not the only addictive substance. There’s this overwhelming soul-withering sickness for people like me who quickly latch onto a person and feed off their being. We wait for their call and examine their every move and flinch at their every word and hang on their every breath.
It sounds awful, because it is. It’s a panicked desperation to overly cater to another person’s every whim — and until you’ve been there, you have no clue how low a human being can go to feed the codependency. It takes so much effort and energy and inhuman strength to remove this horrible addiction from our blood, because it’s been so ingrained into us from years of abuse and abandonment and rejection. You can’t know how bad it gets until you’re the one sprawled out on the cold tile floor with an empty bottle of pills in your lifeless hand.