Anonymous asked:
I fear marriage. This is primarily due to childhood trauma when my parents separated when I was quite young. My mother raised my older brother and I as a single parent, and without my dad’s support. I keep going back and forth between the decision of following in my mother’s footsteps, that is, to be well off without a man, and adopt if I ever decided to have kids of my own, or fight through this fear that I’ll be in a marriage that will end up like my parents. Any advice?
I’m really sorry that happened and I get it: my parents divorced on my fourteenth birthday so I know the pain. I know many people with the same history who never recover.
The thing is: you can live a completely satisfied fulfilled life as a single person. BUT: if your motivation is born out of fear, avoidance, or anxiety, we might want to reconsider our motives and see if there’s a better way forward.
I meet so many hurt people who declare they are “done forever” with the dating scene, and while I understand those hurts are very legitimate, that’s even more reason not to allow a hurt to determine our lives. It is unfair to yourself to live on a reactionary decision.
There are very, very few people who are destined for a single life, and often God only calls them to that if the mission absolutely demands it. I’m thinking of Mother Teresa or Shane Claiborne or Apostle Paul. And Jesus himself. Otherwise: if you have a pulse and you like the opposite sex, you’re probably not called to live alone in a tribal village to translate the Bible in Swahili and eat caterpillars.
I don’t mean to be glib or harsh. I just see many young men and women who swear off dating for life, and suddenly God roundhouses them with an awesome godly person. And I get to laugh.
But if you do feel ready for a relationship, do NOT let anyone pressure you. On one hand I see the damage of “restricted Christian dating,” which is harmful because of legalistic exhaustion. But then I see the damage of “relaxed relevant I’m-cool Christian dating” which pretty much says that a girl is snobby if she turns down a guy and that you should just-go-for-it-whenever.
All that to say: I would hate to see you get caught up in either extreme. I completely understand your hurt, but let’s not jump too fast out of overreaction. Let’s be thoughtful of what God Himself has to say to each of us as individuals through His Word and His Spirit.
Please take the time to think through your motives. Please do not be too quick to listen to dating advice (including mine) and investigate it for yourself. Don’t let anyone steal you into a dating culture, whether it’s legalistic restrictions or marry-nice-Christian-boy-now. Take time to heal and seek Jesus and to find good mentors and godly wisdom for the next chapter. If you really believe you are called to singleness, ask God why. It has to be for His purpose, and not your own.
J.S. Park: Hospital Chaplain 