Month: January 2015

The Ugly Intervention of Rebuke


wherethecherryblossomsdance asked a question:

Hello! I’ve been re-reading some of your posts on rebuking, and I was wondering if you had any more tips? A friend and I are going to be staging an intervention for a mutual friend of ours because we’re tired of seeing her in pain and hurting. I know she’s probably going to be angry with us for this, hence why I was looking for tips on how to rebuke as Jesus would, and how to deal with the aftermath.


Hey dear friend, I know that’s incredibly hard to do and I’m thankful for friends like you who are willing to get in the mess.  I’m not sure I can give you formulas or an outline, because every person and situation is so different.

The one thing I can tell you is that I have never met a single person in the world who can properly handle rebuke.  It’s tough to hear the truth about yourself.  I’m talking about me too.  Even the most mature people I’ve ever known have melted down or flipped out when I calmly explained what I thought they could do better.  It’s a natural part of us to protect ourselves.  Even “suggestions” or “ideas” can threaten other people, because we’re all about self-preservation.  The worst church experience I ever had was making a suggestion to a celebrity pastor, which resulted in a 3am phone call full of f-bombs.

So there are two stages to prepare for.  The first is the initial pushback, when your friend will get emotional about what you’re saying.  They might cuss you out, defend themselves, do ugly cry-face, or shut down.  Let them have this.  Hear them out.  Don’t be too quick to say “You’re just butt-hurt,” whatever that means.  Their defense could be totally legitimate and you can end the conversation on the spot.

The second stage is after the rebuke.  No matter how cool your friend is, things will be awkward for a while.  Maybe two days, or two weeks, or in the case of a pastor I knew, it was almost two months.  Let it ride out.

If you can expect these things, then preparation is at least half the battle.  It won’t go perfectly.  Maybe your friend will surprise you and be the very rare person who takes it well and changes.  But be ready for messiness, and keep on loving like Jesus does.

— J.S.


Also check out:

– What Breaks My Heart Is When You Don’t Hear Mine

– Say Everything

– Please Do Not Rebuke With Self-Satisfying Relish

– Approaching a Leader About Their Attitude

– If You Haven’t Been Told “You’re Wrong” In A While — You Have No Real Friends and You’re Not One Either


See As God Sees You.


The next time you’re about to take up that blade, you’ll have to make a conscious decision to tell yourself, I know God loves me. As corny as that is, even if you don’t feel it, even if you don’t want to believe it’s true, even if every ounce of you is pushing it away, please see yourself as God sees you. Just a glimpse, You are loved, God wants for you, you are His child … you are better than all this, you are made for more, and you can set that thing down and walk away.

— J.S. from What the Church Won’t Talk About


About My Six Month Break-Up With My Wife

takeeacy asked a question:

Hi Joon! After reading about how you and your fiancee had taken a 6 month break for your relationship, I was really curious about how that panned out. My girlfriend/ex and I are currently going through a break to refocus on God, and I wondered if you had any advice to give on this or have any experiences/lessons to share. Thanks!

Hey there dear friend. I actually talk about this in a bit of detail in my book on dating.

Though I couldn’t possibly give all that I learned from the six month break-up, I can tell you two things for sure.

Continue reading “About My Six Month Break-Up With My Wife” →

What’s The Deal With Women’s Head Coverings?

bitterreaper asked a question”

Could you explain what you think the deal is with head coverings in the bible? I know that it says that men should have shaved heads because they’re from god and women should have head coverings because they’re from men. And the angels want women to wear head coverings in church. But is it wrong to not? It doesn’t feel wrong. Most sin feels sinful.

Hey my friend, I would like to point you to perhaps the longest post I’ve ever written. It was written two years ago but I think I still agree with 98% of it.  Feel free to skip around or just read the parts you need. As always, please feel free to disagree as well.

– Mega-Post: Female Pastors, Neo-Feminism, and The Scary Words Submission, Quiet, and Penis

In short, I believe head covers was a cultural staple of that time due to a particular transition in the Corinthian church.  The letter to the Corinthians had two purposes: unity and order.  Paul was trying to create a safe gracious church in which disorder was kept to a minimum, especially for new Christians, which is why he comments on speaking in tongues.  He also forbids getting drunk off the communion wine and sleeping with your stepmom. Seriously, the Corinthians were grimy.

During this period, prostitutes had shaved heads and were newly joining the church, and the sight of these shaved heads was causing a bit of commotion to visitors and new Christians (this will make sense out of 1 Corinthians 11:5-6).  It appears Paul is speaking to this one specific church as a temporary consideration for others, not to control what they were wearing, but to make a larger point that we are mindful of “weaker” or new believers, as outlined in Romans 14.

Continue reading “What’s The Deal With Women’s Head Coverings?” →

Letting Jesus Speak.


In Luke 12, when Jesus says what the master will do to the wicked servant — “He will cut him to pieces and assign him a place with the unbelievers” — I can’t turn this around by saying, “Jesus is really saying, I will never stop loving you.”

In John 6, Jesus preaches a sermon so hardcore that every single follower except the appointed twelve end up leaving him. Jesus asks the remaining dozen, “Do you want to leave too?” I don’t see this in any church growth books or discipleship workshops.

In Matthew 10, Jesus says plainly with zero disclaimers: “I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law — a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household.” I don’t see a hidden meaning in this passage. He said what he meant; he meant what he said.

If you’ve ever really read the Sermon on the Mount, it’s absolutely horrifying. Whether you believe Jesus was real or not, it completely clashes against all our notions of a sheep-petting, halo-wearing, perfect-teeth Jesus.

Can we try to let Jesus speak for himself?


— J.S. from What the Church Won’t Talk About


More Than Sex.


Your sexual identity is not everything about you, because you are a God-created individual who is much more than your urges and appetites and desires.

Both the secular talk show host and the red-faced preacher who set a laser-sight on our sexuality are just squeezing attention to their platforms while reducing human beings to human do-ings. That’s a no-win.

— J.S. from What the Church Won’t Talk About


I Don’t Like That One Thing You Said Once: Moving Past Disagreements

 

A friend told me he left his church because the pastor finally said something he did not agree with.

I asked him what it was.  Something about feminism.  He couldn’t remember too well.

I asked him, “So that’s it then?” 

He said, “Of course.  I mean now I know who this pastor really is.”

There could’ve been a legitimate reason here, but even if not: I understand, because the second I can drop someone, I usually do.  It’s this sick part of me that can’t stand it when someone else thinks differently than I do.

More than ever, we’re an easily offended culture.  We are vocal paper tigers.  The blogosphere has exposed us as absurdly critical creatures, each of us with an impetuously loud voice that makes up for our real personalities.  The shyest kitten becomes a German shepherd on a blog.  I know this because I’m like this.  We know it shouldn’t be this way: but we are just so bad at disagreeing, it’s nearly an artform.

Continue reading “I Don’t Like That One Thing You Said Once: Moving Past Disagreements” →

That Tricky, Slippery Monster Called Pride

Anonymous asked a question:

Could you help me get a perspective on pride? It always lurking in me. I might do something good just because the opportunity was there, but afterwards, I want to share (brag) about what I just did. I don’t, because I don’t want to look like I’m bragging (about something so small, at that [appearances/pride]). I want to do more, but if it’s hard to stay humble about small things, then how can I handle greater things? And does this desire for greater come from pride?

Hey dear friend, thank you for your honesty and for every ounce of your self-awareness.  While I can’t hope to cover everything about pride, let’s consider a few things together. This may be a jump-off where you can begin your own thoughts on moving forward. As always, please feel free to skip around.

1) The tricky thing about pride is that most people don’t know they have a problem with pride. Including me.

The fact that you can even articulate this about yourself is a step forward — and the tricky thing is that this could make you even more prideful.

I knew someone who used to say, “I don’t struggle with pride, it’s not one of my issues,” and I laughed, because this is exactly what pride does.  Pride is a false self-elevation of our own morality and performance, so that we’re constantly looking down on others and up on ourselves.

Even worse, when I laughed at this guy who was blind to his own pride, then suddenly I became the prideful one by mocking his lack of humility.  That’s how slippery this whole thing really is.  I’ll go so far as to say, pride is the root of every sin, and perhaps the ultimate human problem that Jesus had to die for.

Continue reading “That Tricky, Slippery Monster Called Pride” →

Lean In To Love.


When I lean in to love on someone, I don’t want to tell them how they should be, I want to tell them how they could be.



— J.S. from The Christianese Dating Culture


Put Right.


The world is a mess but I still have hope, because many of us still care enough to say, “The world is a mess.” We know something is wrong and ought to be put right. We know nothing is as it’s meant to be.

— J.S.