The Impossible Search For a Soul-Mate With My Interests

klee94 asked a question:

As a Christian woman who deeply cares about social justice issues, I find myself really despairing of finding a Christian guy who genuinely and actively cares about women’s rights, black rights, POC rights, etc. And all the while, my church culture pushes marriage and dating in my face pretty much every Sunday. I honestly sometimes feel like I won’t ever find the right, God-loving, guy and I’ve also been very fixated over my singleness. Any advice?

Hey dear friend, I think it’s tough to find anyone who cares deeply about social issues, or even worse, much of anything.  Most people who appear to “care” are either antagonistic and constantly demonize the other side, or it’s very shallow and only for hogging attention.  So when it comes to finding a friend with depth, it’s a long difficult search that can take a lifetime.

As far as your church culture goes, you can consider talking with your leaders about the over-emphasis on marriage — but regardless, please don’t let this shame you about yourself.  Don’t trust me or your church or a blog or a romantic comedy to say anything about who you are or your decisions.  And yes, singleness can be wonderful.

I want to gently encourage you to consider one thing.  It’s possible you have a “Wishlist” for a guy that would be an impossible unrealistic standard, and you might inadvertently pressure a date to fit your mold.  When he doesn’t, you’ll be constantly disappointed or you’ll belittle him.  The “Wishlist” type of thinking is cute but dangerous.  It revokes the capacity to accept that your partner could change, hence removing the agency of that person.  I’m not saying you’re doing any of this, but it’s critical to reflect upon ourselves with such brutal honesty.

The thing is, everyone is uniquely wired unto themselves.  No one, and I mean no one, will fit your dream guy, and even if he did, then life will change him into someone else over the course of time.  You might even meet a guy who cares very deeply about social causes, but then every other area of his life is downright terrible.

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