Late Night Regret Twitch.

I often pass myself off as more put-together than I really am, but most nights I sit down after a long social gathering and I beat myself up for all the dumb cheesy things I said, and things I wish I had said differently or didn’t say at all, and how off-balance and weird and twitchy I must look, and how I’m not really making progress on becoming this whole acceptable well-adjusted cool approachable guy that everyone else seems to be already without even trying.

I end up thinking I’ve failed something, or lost at life somehow. I replay that joke I told which completely bombed and derailed the banter. I sometimes think everyone else has this secret ingredient to being blended in so smoothly to the inner-circle, like there’s this key or password that no one has told me about, and maybe one day I’ll achieve that code and I can go home in peace without this stomach full of remorseful anxiety over my lack of tact and style, and it’ll be as easy as those wrinkle-free people in fast-talking movies.

Does this happen to you too? The late night regret twitch? Social hangover? The crazy replay loop?

— J.S.

7 thoughts on “Late Night Regret Twitch.

  1. Yes it happens to me. The times it happens to me involve attacks that I think I could have stopped if I had thought of the right thing to say at the time. One of the attacks happened over 40 years ago soon after I was saved by someone trying to pull me down. The last happened in a church almost 4 years ago with the same goal. There has been other times it has happened to me but didn’t last as long. Only to of them have stuck with me over the years. If they are short term I believe we can learn from them. If they go on for years or to the point that it interferes with our christian walks it is an attack from the devil to hurt us and our witness.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, yes. Heaps of condemnation. The “fiery darts of the wicked one” as Paul says. I have tried thinking about other things — things that are pure, honest, lovely —and it may help. But mostly I’ve learned I can’t duel with Satan. I have learned to call out to Jesus and tell him “The Devil is tormenting me again. Help!” I ask Him to block those attacks. He’s not just a kindly cloud hovering around us; He really is all-powerful.

    This is a lesson I keep learning, because I forget so soon! I stop leaning on His power get back into “changing my thinking” on my own. Whether it’s caused by depression or mental illness or trauma from childhood, I don’t know. I’ve read that it’s much like the voice an anorexic hears, “YOU FAT PIG! How could you eat the WHOLE cheese slice!” And it will drive us into isolation and despair if we let it. (Been there, done that.)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Christine, thank you for sharing your heart. I have just the opposite problem. I hear the voice that says “go ahead and eat the whole bag or the whole bar or brick of cheese. It is healthy for you.” So, I need the Father’s help because in my own power I can do nothing but in His power I am more than a conqueror. God is so good.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You are so not alone JS! I know I fight those thoughts DAILY (sometimes all day long). Here is what I do and say on those days (I added your name in my place). But the enemy has

    JS, today you will remember that God’s record for getting you through rough days is 100%. He will see you through today as well.

    You JS, are most valued by Papa. You were a child in His heart and eyes long before you were a spark in your mother’s or earthly father’s eyes. God has no time table to complete His work in you!

    You JS, are lovable because of who you are in Christ, not because of what you do.

    You JS, no longer must struggle or perform to fill the gnawing void that tells you, you are nothing without accomplishments, awards or popularity.

    You JS, do not have to keep up with today’s so-called standards of living to be worthwhile or credible.

    You JS, can have opinions that differ from others without fear of being disqualified from love because God’s love makes you secure in Him. Therefore, you can risk being you

    You JS, are free to explore and develop all the uniqueness of your God-given personality without penalty

    You JS, do not have to strive to earn your acceptance because God has made you accepted in the beloved.

    JS, remember you’re in Christ, which means you have a placement in the Spirit already designed for you and to fit the circumstances that you’re facing

    JS, your life is in God’s hands. He wants the best for you and He knows how to bring that about. He will redeem all the enemy has meant for harm and bring beauty from ashes.

    JS, you will remember God’s timing is always perfect. He is never in a hurry. He has a good plan for you and there is purpose in the waiting. His ways are not your ways, He wants only the best for you. JS, you will trust Him and His timing.

    You JS, are incredible and I still want to be like you when I grow up… thank you for being a light to me and thank you for calling me out on things and thank you for teaching me. I look forward to what you will be teaching me in a different way

    So then, surrender to God. Stand up to the devil and resist him and he will turn and run away from you. Move your heart closer and closer to God, and He will come even closer to you.

    I have to keep it like this because if I don’t I know that the enemy and his fiery darts that want to take me out. His only job is to kill, steal and destroy. So, I must look to my creator for the freedom He has for me. I listen to worship music as well that will remind me that I am a child of God’s.

    I do hope that this is not insulting but helping. God’s peace my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi J.S. I feel like this so often. Sometimes I can manage to put myself out there and try to fill in awkward silences as best I can and just focus on being kind and let myself make dumb jokes, no big deal. I get all hyperactive about it and eventually I crash a couple of days later and bawl my eyes out and don’t want to be seen by anyone, just have all of those social faux pas I committed that week repeat through my head like a broken record. I hate even admitting I feel this way because it makes me come across as neurotic even though that’s exactly what I am. And I can really relate to feeling like other people are just social magicians that say and do all the right things, like God handed out that Midas touch to everyone one day and I missed it. Sometimes I even question my salvation because I’ll meet people who aren’t Christians that are so much more grounded than I am and I wonder how I could possibly be saved when I’m like this.

    But then…God. It’s in these moments where the only one I can really turn to is God. He knows I can be a freak, He knows I’m neurotic, even more than people who happen to notice some of my awkward moments, and yet He still invited me into His kingdom as His daughter, and I still have a place at the grandest table this world has never even seen. So I may screw up, but nothing I do and no one’s opinion of me can take me out of my Father’s hand.

    If it helps you, I have often felt blessed by your writings because you have the courage to discuss the messy aspects of faith: doubting, shame, depression, anxiety. I believe you are well-equipped to reach people that are hurting – the poor in spirit. My hope is that I will be able to do the same now that I’ve started writing.


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