Working Through Depression As a Team: What to Do and Not to Do with Your Friend’s Mental Health

@cindahh asked a question:

Hi J.S. Park! I hope you and your wife doing well! I just wanted to thank you again for your book. It has given me a better understanding of depression. So I read it because my good friend battles it, and as someone who is helping him battle it, what are some of the things your wife helped you with; how does she support you? How does she snap you out of it? How does she help you be hopeful? What techniques does she use? What does she say? Are there any “don’t do’s?” What’s the most helpful? I would like to get a better understanding on how I can be there for my friend. I really appreciate it.

Hey dear friend, thank you for this question. It’s a super difficult one.

I have to say upfront: Even the most loving person in the world cannot fully help someone who wrestles with mental illness. Clinical depression will often do whatever it wants, regardless of medicine or therapy or a strong community (all which I strongly recommend, by the way).

While we’re called to love others as much as we can stand it, we cannot be responsible for someone’s actions. That’s too much weight to carry. We cannot save everyone, including ourselves sometimes.

I’ve come across two opposing views on supporting someone through depression.

One essentially says, “Do everything you can. Have empathy for their trauma and pain. Love despite it all. Love will eventually win. Research ways to help. Intervene. Always be there for them. People who leave are cruel and cowards.”

The other says, “Practice boundaries and self-care. Refer them to an expert. Admit when you can’t handle it. Keep a safe distance. You can’t pour out what you don’t have.”

My wife has embraced both of these, in different seasons, depending on her needs and mine.

No one can be everything for everyone. But no one should instantly run away either (excluding cases of abuse). We need a safe middle ground that covers both people involved.

To love someone through their mental illness requires a specific patience that many people don’t have. It’s not because they’re bad or anything. Some just can’t stick around because they themselves have too much going on. I can’t be mad at that, or them.

At the same time, some sneak out the second it gets too hard. I think that’s unfair. At the very least, we should go a little beyond what’s asked of us, whether that means going with someone to one of their counseling sessions, bringing them food, or watching a movie with them that they pick (even if it’s something you’d never watch). These things sound simple, but an accumulation of these things mean the world.

For me, I lean towards the view that people should stick around and help. I know there are situations they absolutely shouldn’t. But I hear stories all day long (at the hospital and with the homeless) where no one ever stayed. Maybe it was because the person left behind made too many poor choices, or they were abusive, or they were not willing to be helped. I can almost understand why they were left behind. But in so many cases, it seems like friends, family, and spouses walked away too early. In the end, it’s a strong community which we need for life, and it’s one of the points of living.

To answer you specifically about how my wife helps me:

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Question: What do you look for in a future spouse?

Anonymous asked:
What do you look for in a future partner/spouse? I ask because I really have trouble with this. I am a female, but even if I find a Godly male I worry that it is going to damage in my relationship with God, opposed to good. Probably because I’ve been in a idolatrous relationship where the other ended up poorly influencing me, instead of the other way around. I also seem to miss out on warning signs.

I understand the sensitivity of your question and you are asking out of good curious motives (most likely), but I absolutely abhor the Wishlist type of thinking that has pervaded modern dating. Even —gasp!— in our churches.

I once had a Wishlist and aimed to fulfill it. I was attracted to loud, aggressive, hot, fiery, dominant. Seven dead relationships later with plenty of heartbreak and nightmare scenarios, I realized the stupidity of looking for a “type.” Like Tim Keller says, since people change, “you always end up marrying the wrong one” anyway. When you find a type and hope the type will last, it’s never a stable guarantee. People have major life changes approximately every seven years.

Certainly there is room for physical attraction, common goals, and spiritual compatibility. But your main concern right now should be you. As I once heard Francis Chan say, if your future spouse becomes your air supply to meet your needs (instead of God being the air supply), you will both kill each other. God must be your first lover and foundation. Those who are ready for marriage are the ones who need it least.

Continue reading “Question: What do you look for in a future spouse?”