A Confession: I Once Wrote A Song About Killing My Ex-Gf — Actually, Twice

About social media, moralistic meme cultures, digging the dirt of our past, and a transparent future without privacy — and why this can all be a good thing.

I once wrote two different songs about killing two different ex-girlfriends.

In my college years I used to rap and freestyle, and using what lyrical skills I had, I recorded a song over Eminem’s “Stan” about killing my ex-girlfriend. A few years later, I did the same thing with Common’s “Retrospect For Life” about killing another ex-girlfriend and eating her baby.

These were sick, horrible, disgusting things that constitute assault and battery — and they make me want to throw up at myself. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

If you search for these songs online, you can probably find them on an old music site under my name. I say this to my own shame and horror, and I’m not proud of this in the least at all. I’m now publicly outing myself — not out of some patronizing “reverse humility” or a victim-card, but because I deserve any repercussions that come my way.

If one day I go public somewhere: I want to have outed myself already. I’m tired of keeping this regret a secret. And it’s okay if you’re disappointed or you dismiss me. At least I can finally breathe, unburdened.

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Investing Options

Pastors like to talk about investing in someone who has potential for ministry because they would one day be a valuable commodity for God. We spend hours figuring out how to mentor, apprentice, train, and arm — but all this sort of language makes me a little sick to my stomach.

To treat churchgoers as spare parts is no better than mechanical objectification, as if we are all actors in a play or a porno. People are not products and the church is not a business. They are first and foremost your friends. To view your people as a project destroys all intimacy and robs them of joy — and I see it happen all the time.

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