I Hate My Life and Myself and I Want to Die: What Do I Do?

Anonymous asked a question:

I find myself begging God for death almost every day. On the days I don’t, I’m numb & I’m just going through the day hating my life. It’s hard not to compare myself to the rest of my peers who are doing great things & I’m just here painfully existing. My 1st degree didn’t get me any jobs in my state, so I’m stuck working a job that doesn’t pay much to help me afford a secondary degree. I know I’m not the only person suffering from the effects of a rigged economy, but how am I to remain positive?

Hey dear friend, I’m very sorry for all that’s happening. I want to tell you that you’re not alone, and that I got a ton of love for you, and I’m certain that everyone here does, too. I’m praying for you right now, even as I write this.

I have to say this too: If you feel like you’re in danger of hurting yourself at all, please go talk with a trusted friend and talk these things out. Please consider getting with a qualified, certified person who can help. I hope and pray that you won’t make any big rash decisions during a downward spiral, and that you’d first talk it over with someone, face-to-face, even if that means forcing yourself to get there and giving your decision-making power to someone else, however long it takes. Just talking about it can be enough sometimes to take another step.

I want to share that I’ve wrestled with depression for as long as I can remember, and I did attempt suicide over ten years ago (half a bottle of pills, I lost 13 lbs. in three days, and was Baker Act’ed into an institution). I get into self-loathing loops of hopelessness all the time, like someone has just yanked my guts through my chest in one fell swoop and I’m crumpled over with completely cold apathy, not caring about a thing. Several years ago, I had a complete breakdown at my workplace from the work environment (in which the boss laughed it off), and a year later, I was fired from that very same job. Co-workers got way ahead of me, which was absolutely fine, but many of the people that I called “friends” deserted me. Life is unfair. It can be cruel. Things don’t always work out.

The reality is, our dreams get crushed, and people will leave or cheat or abuse us, and our perseverance doesn’t always pay off. Prayers can go unanswered for a lifetime. I sit with some hospital patients who don’t want to leave because their life outside is so desperately miserable. Even a perfectly crafted life can come crashing down in a second, when external forces suddenly strip us of all we have built. Most of us are not prepared for how harsh and brutal that life can be, because no one gives the hard talk about what it’s really like.

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Question: Just used porn, what do I do?

Anonymous asked:
i just masturbated to extreme pornography 4 minutes ago. im a christian. i am riddled with guilt. what do i do? i am tired of this. but i feel like a hypocrite

My friend, let me talk to you two ways.

First, you need to know you’re loved. God loves you in Christ, I love you in Christ, your church (despite some of those “perfect Christians”) love you in Christ. Jesus died for you and that’s an un-erasable fact, regardless of how many thousands of times you used porn or kicked small children or ran over helpless animals. It’s not a logical love, but God’s ways do not fit into our puny 3-lb-brain categories. Even right now, with your guilt-ridden pants around your ankles, God still sent His Son to bleed for you on a dirty Roman crucifix and there he saw you 2000 years later in that chair deserving of all that wrath: forgiven. Believe it, and you get the grace.

Secondly: you’re called by that love to your true self. How serious do you take that? When I knew I had to quit porn, I refused to go back. Apostle Paul said “I beat my body and make it my slave,” not to win God, but because God had won him. I had always tried to quit porn before, but like most boys, I was never very serious about it. I always knew deep down it was an “option” for me. Not one time did I say, “I can’t go back to this — I refuse.” And that went on for fifteen years.

One day after another failure with porn, I happened to look up and saw my own reflection. I imagined this is how God saw me: every time. And His small still voice: You’re better than this. I didn’t just save your life, but I saved you to a life. The first thing I did, I went James 5 and confessed everything to a close friend at church. He was shocked, but we prayed. I bawled like crazy, and so did he. We prayed for a very long time that night, and many nights after. I told more friends, got two counselors, and soon was openly honest. A culture of confession done right is already half the battle won.

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