Question: A Battle Plan For Sex?

Anonymous asked:

I need your help, because I messed up real bad. I love Jesus, and I’m a devout Christian believer, but I can’t control myself. I let myself get wrapped up in the world of lust, and had premarital sex quite a few times in the last three months. I need help, I don’t know what to do. My girlfriend and I want to stop, we want to be good Christians, yet we keep giving in to temptation. We keep promising each other that’s the end of it, but it still goes on. What can we do to stop and grow in Christ? I pray so hard for us, and she does too I think. Please help because I’m becoming so frustrated, I want to follow Christ and do the right thing, but I don’t have the strength too!

(I made you anonymous because I wasn’t sure if you wanted to be known.)

Brother, I understand your struggle. You’re making a real first step in acknowledging the problem and wanting to honor God in all of it.  So you’ve figured out now that wanting to stop is not enough to stop.  Maybe because once you actually stop, you’re not sure if there’s anything to look forward to.

Once sex is in the picture, the focus gets all fuzzy and the foundation gets confused.  You’ll have to re-orient and re-think a lot of the dynamics.  Praying is good and you must pray, but “praying it away” won’t work.  You’ll need to pray towards something.

What I’m about to say will sound like legalistic behavior modification. But once again, effort is not legalism. The internal trusting of God necessarily predicates external changes in behavior.  In other words, true change begins from the inside-out, but without outside change then you know nothing happened inside. You’ll need a Battle Plan, to build forward instead of just avoiding sin.

Continue reading “Question: A Battle Plan For Sex?”

Porn Addiction, Part Three: What Porn Does To Your Soul – 2 of 2

An ongoing discussion about victory over sexual addiction.

The introduction here.

Part One, excuses and myths, here.

Part Two, the science, here.

Part Three, the soul, here.

Part Four: I’m Ready To Cut It Off. Here.

Part Five: Quitting Isn’t Enough. Here.

The Process of Porn

Porn is degrading to both the user and the industry because it caters to the base animal nature of all of us. If you think that’s prude or close-minded, wouldn’t it be more open-minded to call it what it really is? If it’s not prostitution, it’s pretty close.

But I understand the “moral argument” does not always persuade, much less motivate, to quit porn. For the hundreds of sermons I’ve heard vilifying alcohol, drugs, clubs, Internet, indulgent eating, laziness, or video games, none of them ever sustained a change in behavior. Because all of them spoke only to behaviors, not the basics.

If you’re addicted to porn, you’re most likely after something else. As much as the hipster contemporary all-aware self-aware blogger will tell you that masturbation sometimes “just happens,” we know that a variety of factors gets us there. Sex between two people doesn’t just happen — even casual sex requires multiple variables to align before happening.

Something is happening when a guy has sex with himself while watching two random people have sex. There are impulses, drives, forces, desires, biology, psychology, philosophy, and mental schemas at work that motivate a person towards (and away from) self-worship.

Continue reading “Porn Addiction, Part Three: What Porn Does To Your Soul – 2 of 2”

Quote: Value



We live in a world that values others based on what they have accomplished in life, how intelligent they are or what their social status is. But for the Christian, this is not where a person receives their value. The value and dignity of each human life, male and female, is based on the biblical doctrine that each person is made in the image of God. Our value is not in our intellectual abilities, social status, the number of children we produce, the number of degrees we obtain or the size of our bank account. Our value is first found in Christ Jesus, whose image we bear. It is not a matter of degree; it is categorical.

— William M. Struthers


Quote: Honor



When a man makes a promise, he is honor bound to keep it because his word is who he is. The degree to which a man keeps his word is the measure of his integrity and honor. When the masculine voice affirms, it says, ‘It is good.’ It doesn’t say, ‘It is okay now, but it might not be later.’

— William M. Struthers


Porn Addiction, Part Two: What Porn Does To Your Brain, the Science

Photo by H.T. Yu, CC BY 2.0

An ongoing discussion about victory over sexual addiction.

Recent Edit: October 23rd, 2015
– My book on quitting porn addiction is in paperback for only $6.10 and e-book for 2.99 on Amazon! It’s been officially endorsed by Craig Gross of X3Church. It contains this entire series of posts plus brand new info, fully updated and fleshed out, with specific steps to quit.

My podcast series “Cutting It Off” — here.

Why Do I Use Porn? Why Can’t I Stop? Here.

Every question submitted about porn on this blog, here.

**Updated: May 2013

For the podcast episode based on this post, click here.

The science behind porn addiction will not surprise you.  It can be easily mocked as apocalyptic research with an old-fashioned bias, but excuses to use porn are also biased by the hand down your pants. Objective evidence of pornography’s effects has one goal: to show how much porn screws up your brain. For some that will be enough to quit.

Obviously, something serious is happening in the neurology of a person who will not stop using porn.  Constant exposure to graphic, unreal, out-of-bounds sex doesn’t just go in one hand and out the other (bad pun). Like the heroin addict or the gambler or the alcoholic, several key things are happening.

Much of the following research is borrowed and not my own. Please keep in mind that the term “addiction” is a serious term and might or might not apply to you, but it’s worth investigating. I don’t mean to over-dramatize here or make a big show of scientific language, but porn use does have a particular undeniable effect on the brain.

Sources include Craig Gross’ Pure Eyes, Eyes of Integrity, and Dirty Little Secret, and William Struther’s Wired For Intimacy. I’ve read and re-read these important resources and highly recommend them to you.  There is also Michael Leahy’s Porn Nation, Mike Wilkerson’s Redemption, Tim Chester’s Closing The Window, and David Powlison’s tiny booklet Slaying The Dragon. Where possible, I’ve tried to research articles and current news behind pornography and the porn industry. And of course, there is personal experience with addiction plus countless hours spent with young and old porn addicts.

The Addict’s Path:

Continue reading “Porn Addiction, Part Two: What Porn Does To Your Brain, the Science”

Quote: Sex

Sex in porn is just a physical activity, nothing more. But real sex, sex as God intended, is the celebration and climax — quite literally — of a relationship. Godly sex is part of a package that includes talking together, sharing together, deciding together, crying together, working together, laughing together and forgiving each other. Orgasm comes at the end of a process that began with offering a compliment, doing the chores, recalling your day, unburdening your heart, tidying the house. Sex that disregards these things is hollow. It will drive you apart, rather than bring you together as God intended. If you view sex as personal gratification or a chance to enact your fantasy, if you have sex while disregarding intimacy or unresolved conflict, then that sex will be bad in both senses of the word: poor quality and ungodly.

— Tim Chester