I did this photo shoot a few years ago with a ton of smiles and silly faces—but this picture was a bit closer to how I was really feeling. It was during one of the most miserable seasons of life, when depression had hit full force and I was contemplating The End every waking moment. I had gained over twenty lbs from binging and I randomly fell asleep in my office and I kept letting go of the steering wheel, daring myself to crash. No one knew what was happening; I tried to tell someone but he laughed it off: “Look at you, how could you be so stressed when you’re so blessed?” So I kept up the smiles and silliness, all while my insides were wax dipped in acid, melted to the thinnest thread, stretched between bones across a chasm. I was Zeno’s paradox, motionless in motion. I was begging God to kill me.
I wanted to give up: but no. God said no. He was stubborn, and so I was, too. I hustled. I fought the dark with everything, both fists swinging, screaming and laughing at the same time, crawling by my bare fingernails to the lip of the well I had been cast down. Slowly, painfully, somehow, I made it through, mostly because I kept waking up and I was astounded to find myself still breathing, and because I gained ground by inches. Colors returned; the fog lifted over time; I found people I could tell; I got a dog and I lost the weight and I survived. It’s not as romantic as it sounds, and I don’t know if the next one will win. But that time, at least, I did. He did. God didn’t answer my prayer then, and it was the best “no” that I’ve ever gotten. I’m here, just barely. So is He, completely.
— J.S. Park
J.S. Park: Hospital Chaplain, Skeptical Christian 
Keep on keeping on 🙂
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Thank you J.S Park for being so vulnerable and transparent with us. There was a time I believed certain things couldn’t happen to Christians boy was I wrong. I learned that in our darkest place God shines His light and when we let Him in our dark nights are not as dark. I am glad that you wrote this. Glad that you have this testimony of our loving Father. Keep pressing forward.
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Yes! I get a bit wary when someone says, “How can you be a Christian and still be depressed? That’s not a good witness!” I’m learning that we survive with faith and by faith. It’s trusting Him that gets us through.
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I agree it is through trusting Him and having faith. You will be in my prayers always.
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J. S. Your openness shines. I too am in one dark place. So much loss surrounding me. My father passed away 2 years ago. My mom has Alzheimers and the house I grew up in is now empty waiting to be sold. I never knew allergies could be so debilitating but they have been for me. My faith has cost me family, friends and people I don’t know but my relationship with God is written in stone now. He has stripped me of everything I leaned on so I would find leaning on Him to be where I need to be and to remain there. I will never again look at life as I have in the past. Like you, I have spent moments crying out to God just to get through the next moment. I have never considered ending it all because simply put, I don’t have the strength to even think about it. One thing I do know about myself is not giving up has never been an option for me. And I say that to give God all the credit because truly I shouldn’t be here. He is the reason I am still breathing. And yes, each breath at times has become a joint session of me and God or better yet, God giving me those breathing moments. I marvel that I get up, and put clothes on much less accomplish anything these days in the physical. I’m not where I want to be, but thank God I’m not where I was. I truly know what it means to be alone with God now knowing that He is really all I need. God bless.
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i’m so glad you are here
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Thank you. Me, too. 🙂
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