Anonymous asked a question:
I find myself begging God for death almost every day. On the days I don’t, I’m numb & I’m just going through the day hating my life. It’s hard not to compare myself to the rest of my peers who are doing great things & I’m just here painfully existing. My 1st degree didn’t get me any jobs in my state, so I’m stuck working a job that doesn’t pay much to help me afford a secondary degree. I know I’m not the only person suffering from the effects of a rigged economy, but how am I to remain positive?
Hey dear friend, I’m very sorry for all that’s happening. I want to tell you that you’re not alone, and that I got a ton of love for you, and I’m certain that everyone here does, too. I’m praying for you right now, even as I write this.
I have to say this too: If you feel like you’re in danger of hurting yourself at all, please go talk with a trusted friend and talk these things out. Please consider getting with a qualified, certified person who can help. I hope and pray that you won’t make any big rash decisions during a downward spiral, and that you’d first talk it over with someone, face-to-face, even if that means forcing yourself to get there and giving your decision-making power to someone else, however long it takes. Just talking about it can be enough sometimes to take another step.
I want to share that I’ve wrestled with depression for as long as I can remember, and I did attempt suicide over ten years ago (half a bottle of pills, I lost 13 lbs. in three days, and was Baker Act’ed into an institution). I get into self-loathing loops of hopelessness all the time, like someone has just yanked my guts through my chest in one fell swoop and I’m crumpled over with completely cold apathy, not caring about a thing. Several years ago, I had a complete breakdown at my workplace from the work environment (in which the boss laughed it off), and a year later, I was fired from that very same job. Co-workers got way ahead of me, which was absolutely fine, but many of the people that I called “friends” deserted me. Life is unfair. It can be cruel. Things don’t always work out.
The reality is, our dreams get crushed, and people will leave or cheat or abuse us, and our perseverance doesn’t always pay off. Prayers can go unanswered for a lifetime. I sit with some hospital patients who don’t want to leave because their life outside is so desperately miserable. Even a perfectly crafted life can come crashing down in a second, when external forces suddenly strip us of all we have built. Most of us are not prepared for how harsh and brutal that life can be, because no one gives the hard talk about what it’s really like.
I don’t mean to say, “Just toughen up.” I mean to say, I understand, and these kinds of trials can be startling, alarming, and unsettling. You’re absolutely right to be upset, to be angry, to be sad about the whole thing. I don’t think it’s wrong to vent, to be frustrated, to shake a fist. I’m for you and with you on this.
There’s no magical formula or some perfect combination of words that may help. I can tell you that there will be many days ahead when you feel stuck and exhausted and powerless. I can tell you it doesn’t always “get better.” And I can tell you that you don’t have to “be strong and stay positive,” because suppressing your hurt doesn’t help, either, and can actually make it worse.
The only thing I know to do is to keep going. To make a step, even and especially when it’s hard. When I hate it. When I can’t stand it. When I get rejected and when doors close in my face. Despite myself and everything else, I keep going. My brain may check out sometimes, and I may be weeping or tired or somber, but I do the thing anyway. I do it scared, lonely, and fatigued. It’s the very momentum of motion that I need for another breath.
There’s nothing deep or profound about that. I just know that when I look back over the mosaic of decisions I made during such dark dreadful times, I’m glad that I kept going. I should’ve been dead many, many times. But seeing the bigger picture of the twists and turns through valleys and storms, there were some good days, too. I couldn’t see them then, and it’s still hard to see them now, but I’m grateful I’ve made it.
I had to re-route some dreams and start a new path, which meant letting go of what I thought I wanted: and as painful as that is, it would’ve been more painful to hold on to some ideal version of a life that was never meant to pass. I had to quit looking at others’ success as some kind of condemning statement about my own work, and even learn to celebrate others and learn from them, too. And I’ve learned that what we say and do really matters, that our tiny steps forward are stirring up the winds of something we may never see: and I’ve had to be okay with never knowing what’s behind-the-scenes, because it’s not always about the rewards and results, but simply being what God has called you and I to be in the world.
I also think a lot about how we’re all in this story of struggle together. Knowing I’m not alone gives me a ton of perspective and some breathing room. Both my parents came to this country with nothing. My dad had PTSD from the war (he was tortured constantly and nearly killed multiple times), and my mom wrestles with some depression and anxiety, too. She used to just stare at the wall for hours when she raised me and my brother. I’m sure it still feels impossible for them, still trying to adopt this language, enduring all the times they were cheated by business-people and lawyers and neighbors, always wondering if they could survive to the next paycheck. But they kept going. They wept, a lot, and still do. In their weeping, they crawled. By the edge of their fingernails, they crawled.
No, the good doesn’t always outweigh the bad, but I’ve learned to see that even a tiny shred of goodness is better than none. No, not everything will give a fair shake and a second chance, but I’ve learned there are still many hallways and detours, and I had to learn to re-work my dreams and leave the old ones behind.
I’m sorry that none of this may be very insightful or encouraging. Message me any time, and please find others who you may share with in total transparency and trust. God be with you, dear friend. He is. As much as I got love for you, He loves you infinitely more.
— J.S.
For immediate help:
– National Suicide Prevention Helpline: 1-800-273-TALK (8245)
– Suicide Hotline: 1-800-SUICIDE (2433) For US, U.K., Canada, and Singapore
– Suicide Crisis Line: 1-800-999-9999
– Crisis Help Line For Any Crisis: 1-800-233-4357
– For the hearing impaired, contact the Lifeline by TTY at:
1-800-799-4889
– National Suicide Prevention Helpline: 1-800-273-TALK (8245)
– National Adolescent Suicide Helpline: 1-800-621-4000
– Postpartum Depression: 1-800-PPD-MOMS (773-6667)
Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA):
1-800-826-3632
– Veteran’s Crisis Line: 1-877-VET-2-VET (838-2838)
– Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide: (UK) 0844-561-6855
– beyondblue info line: (Australia) 1300-22-4636
– 24/7 Crisis Line: (Canada) 905-522-1477
– Lifeline Australia: 13-11-14
– Teléfono de la Esperanza: 902 500 002 (Barcelona),
91 459 00 50 (Madrid)
– Seoul, South Korea Hotline: (2) 715 8600, (2) 716 8600
(2) 717 8600, (2) 718 8600
For my book on fighting depression, I can send you a free copy through email here:
pastorjspark@gmail.com
J.S. Park: Hospital Chaplain 
I can’t tell you how much this has just helped me, reading this at this specific time when I am ready to tell my one and only close and real friend at this moment in time that I give up. That I am too weak to keep fighting. That I don’t want to hurt her and that I am too scared. This really couldn’t have come at a better time. Thank you so much.
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Hey Jessica, thanks for sharing with such transparency. There are plenty of times we feel like giving up, and it’s a valid feeling, but I hope we can move through it despite. Sometimes that also means re-defining what our goals look like and what “making it” really means. Praying today for you. 🙂
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Very good advice. There are ideals — parents and society pump us us full of “You’re gonna be so awesome!” Life rarely delivers awesome. Our friends rarely think we’re the greatest thing since WIFI.
And there’s another reality at work in our minds. There is a devil. He wants to talk to us, better yet to be our #1 counselor. “You blew it big time. You’re a total failure; your life is wasted and everybody hates you. Go jump off a bridge.”
I’ve heard this voice so often, beating me down, shredding me to bits, reminding me of every single goof-up. Over the years I’ve found only one answer that works. I come to God and beg for his help. “Lord, the devil is tormenting me again. Please shut him down.”
God has the power to shut the devil out of our thoughts, if we only get serious and ask. Yes, the devil will try to climb back in another window if he finds one open — and stay as long as we let him — but the solution is always the same. I’ve never fought this thought-battle on my own and won, but with God fighting for me I’ve been able to find relief from these tormenting thoughts.
I know that Clinical depression, when the mind is actually “broken”, needs professional help just like any other break in the body. I’m thankful my depression has never gotten so severe I can’t function. But I believe the first step is always to open up to someone who can help.
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Thank you, Christine. I need to get that as a t-shirt: “Life rarely delivers awesome.” I think this is why God appears more concerned with who we become rather what we do, because though what we do is important, it tends to change on our context and circumstances, where are who-we-are is the growth that’s always working.
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The paragraph about re-routing dreams really hit home. I had to do that when divorce hit my home and ministry. I’m now remarried and would love to pastor a church again, but God may be delaying or has a different plan altogether. It has been a major adjustment, but I needed a word like this.
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Thank you for sharing, Matthew, and for being so honest. Major adjustments are tough and I can’t pretend to know how hard it must be, yet I know that it’s never too late for new plans and new paths. Some people (like me) may feel like we’re on a “Plan B” all the time, but then I look at people in the Bible, who were running on Plan C through Z. Praying today for you, for renewed steps.
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Thank you! We must be ready to adjust to what God is doing at any time.
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Love this. Life is hard. Life as a Christian is even harder.
Life has not delivered its promises, and for someone who grew up on the premise of “the world is your oyster” – this has been a struggle. I want it all. God has shown me He won’t give it to me – at least not yet. Maybe not ever.
As a result, I sometimes get depressed. As a matter of fact, thays how I found this blog.
It helps to know there’s a reason we feel this way. Christians are essentially enemies of the State because Satan is the current ruler of this world. As the time draws nearer for the Second Coming of Christ, our message and testimony is increasingly rejected.
Satan doesn’t want our Truth exposed. So he makes things difficult for us.
Ive asked God why He doesn’t intervene. Sometimes He does, but more importantly, I remember that He will intervene in a HUGE way soon. That gives me hope.
Hang in there, Mighty Saint. It WILL get better – somehow, some way.
Diane Watt
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Thank you for sharing this, Diane. Definitely agree that the “get yours / world is your oyster” type stuff can be truly harmful. We may not always get what we want, but contentment is still possible.
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Sir, I am dishonest person to my husband, I am mother of 2 year old kid. I want to die, I can’t tell the truth to anyone, my guilt is killing me daily
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Hi. I feel so Alone. Most of my family looks down on me because I am disabled. I was making friends with my neighbor of 20 years. She just told me I was negative and she didn’t want me around. What can I do? Why is my personality so off putting. Y can’t I make and keep friends.
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I have persevered. There is never a pay off. Life just keeps going on. I almost got in a car accident today. I wasnt driving. Funny thing is i have a fit bit and took my heart rating. It was tge same as my resting state. I tgen realized i really dont give a dam whether i live or die.
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Hi
I need assistance terminating my life, I am too incompetent to do it myself. I just want to close my eyes empty my mind and never awaken. I was a mistake, remain a mistake and it time to end it.
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You are no mistake….don’t let ’em win
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None of this makes me wanna go on. It just confirms how shitty life is. Why continue just to live in misery? Just so you can say you carried on? Endured? So fucking what?
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Hope you haven’t really taken that awful step and terminated yourself.
If it makes you feel any better, your comments about how much pain your in made me feel better. It helps me to know I am not the only one out there that feels awful.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
It would be dishonest for anyone to tell you that life will get better. Mine never did. At best, I’ve learned to cope with failure over the years.
My struggle has always been with failing to succeed in getting a good job in spite of earning a degree in engineering. I feel ashamed to really write about what I’ve had to do for a living. I can only imagine what people would think if they really knew. Right now I try to compare myself to people who don’t have a future instead of comparing myself to my college peers. It makes it feel a little better.
I also am learning not to judge people – because I do not want to be judged for my situation.
I will pray for you.
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“Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”
A cliche’. Just a cliche’. Ask around and you will find that there are many with problems that are far from temporary.
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I wish I could disagree, but I feel the same….
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test
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It differs with age, that is, depression and suicide. When you get older, you find yourself facing chronic illness and poverty. It’s not like when you are 20 and your depression is over things like one’s social life, school, family, career, etc. Cognitive therapy and suicide hotlines can’t help someone living with chronic pain and/or fatigue, to whom working to afford food, shelter and clothing become monumental challenges and burdens. The horizon narrows, and you find yourself not fearing death anymore, but longing for it, even pining for it.
It’s different when you’re older.
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Nobody is a mistake. The mistake is how r family and friends don’t really care. I feel so unloved. No one cares about me that much. I would commit suicide but I don’t want to go to hell and b more miserable than I am now.
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Please don’t commit suicide. You’re right in that nobody is a mistake. You’re wrong in that nobody cares about you. God does and Jesus died for you so you could be with Him forever. I don’t know how much you know about God / the Bible, but it would be worth looking into. It’s not just a story – God is real, Jesus is real, and His love for you is real. If you ever want to talk, please fb me.
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I want to die . I gave all my life and love to my daughter and husband . I ask nothing but that they take care of themselves and be safe and happy . And both are succesful and happy .Now I learn my daughter wants to marry a man without a job and with practically no hope of getting a decent one . Enough to at least pay for his keep . I have to watch while she lets him use her . She has gone . My husband is engrossed in his work . I’m just a hinderance in their lives . At this age I have nothing and no one to live for
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I hope you are not judging her boyfriend by his lack of a job. What if she married a guy with a great job and great future and then later the guy dies or becomes disabled? Would you want her to leave him because he became disabled? What if the jobless boyfriend changes and later goes on to make something of himself? My experience is that both good times and bad times are temporary. I’ve been unemployed and hopeless and I’ve been on top making 6 figures. I know I can expect the future to have more of both – good times and bad times.
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That was incredibly depressing. I do not just want to exist crawling through life, done that enough. 46 yrs old and exhausted from it. I have no family, grew up in abuse, in 23 yrs have had 2 abusive relationships. Thought I found love finally and it was ripped from me. Same week I get fired from my job and I am tired of struggling. Would never harm myself, I see that as selfish and chicken shit but I do pray that God would bring me home. I had not cried in over 20yrs but losing the thought of love has spiraled me into weeping sometimes uncontrollably for last 7 days. I have almost always hated life but dealt with it until now, I have no trust in people or women or love and am utterly alone in my self pity.
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We are all alone together
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Not to be harsh, but have you tried taking responsibility for your own happiness? Are you caring for your body and sleeping? Are you praying? You can empower yourself. Wanting to die is the result of not doing all these things and believing your vision for life is better than God’s. He wants to grow your character. Times of testing serve to show you where you’re failing to trust him and obey. And he’s there the whole time waiting to help you.
Don’t fuss and fret over a dream vision of life you can’t have. It will end, and eternity will be nothing like it. It is difficult, but we must mourn the illusion the world which ingrained so much sin us and all it’s vanity. Grieve it so you can move one. And let go of your ego (whoever loves his life will lose it.) and humble yourself to the Lord (so that you may be lifted up). His purpose for you will fulfill you in spite of all you see and can’t have. When you are serving the Lord effectively with your gifts, you’ll feel empowered and loved by God. You’ll build momentum and a solid confidence that you can face all things with Jesus and that a harvest will come, eventually. As believers, we already share in Christ’s victory over sin, so be glad.
You’re just tired and in the wrong mindset. Create and keep up new healthy habits, and maybe you’ll see the end of the same old stuff you fear reliving. And find a safe community. It will take time, but it’s so necessary and worth it. Even if it’s online.
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i hate my life, so fuck you God, fuck you jesus, i want my own world, so fuck the rest
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I have consistently made life for myself harder to live and I’ve pushed away everyone that was in my life. There probably isn’t another person alive that has done more to sabotage their own life than me. I don’t know why I’ve done this to myself, but it’s been done and now I’m completely lost and death isn’t all that unappealing to me. I’m not suicidal but I think about dying all the time. Like some nasty illness will fall upon me, or get into a really bad car wreck, or getting caught in some crossfire — I think about things like that all the time and the part of me that wouldn’t mind dying seems to get bigger every day. Is there anything I can do to break this never ending cycle of self-sabotage I’m on? I’d say I’m looking for a friend, but I’d probably just push them away like I have everyone else.
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God is a very rotten evil low life loser cocksucker altogether, and he swallows just like a filthy fucking pig as well since he keeps punishing most of us good people for absolutely no reason at all. Burn in hell God you filthy scumbag piece of shit.
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God is a very rotten evil filthy scumbag for punishing a single man like me for no reason at all that was really hoping to meet the right good woman to share my life with instead of being single and alone all the time which really sucks. And i wasn’t single by choice either.
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