I Have To Know This Is Okay.

coffee cups woods trees winter

Photo by Joel


Sometimes we have to admit:

I’m not doing so well.

If you’ve never admitted this, then I have to say: you’re probably not doing so well.

Is it okay to say so? Can I be honest about that? I know I’m not supposed to stay there in that dark place, not for long. I know the proper inspiration and theology and clichés to bring me back. I understand I have to crawl to the light soon. But before I climb, I need to tell you:

I’m not doing so well. It hurts. I’m not okay. This is not all right. It’s twisting me in the guts and I’m bleeding from everywhere. Man down. No me gusta. I’m busting up at the seams. And I’ll be down here for a while.

Look me in the eye and tell me it’s okay to say this out loud. Let me feel this out. Let me bleed a little before we clean it up so fast like it never happened. I need to hurt. Then it might be okay.

— J.S.


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29 thoughts on “I Have To Know This Is Okay.

  1. Of course it’s ok! Being authentic helps us to heal and get back up and helps others to know how they can help and pray for you! Hang in there brother!

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  2. JS, to me it is okay. Religious systems want things neat, tidy and in order, and reality, pain, doubt and struggle all happen in the presence of the living Jesus. That place, spiritually real, has no place in a system, so we look for other spiritual people where we can cry out like Habakkuk or Jeremiah and know God’s love. I have come to respect and love you, JS. Know that…
    Peace

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    1. Hey Dan! Thank you always for your encouragement. Being real can be tough because sometimes it feels like an excuse or an “enabling” of wrong. But then being real must absolutely be the first step to healing from what we’ve done and who we are. Thanks again

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  3. This makes me realize how real I need to be with myself. I lie to myself all the time about how I’m feeling so that I don’t lie to others. If I believe I’m fine then telling them that I am isn’t lying, right?

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  4. Sure, it is ok. I have been divorced since Sept. 2013 after 20 yrs of marriage. Even though 2 yrs have passed, I still have not gotten over this divorce- the hurt, the loss, depression, anger, and feeling lost. I feel pressured from others who say “just get over it”, or have more faith to defeat the enemy, or darkness cannot dwell with light. I know these things. I wish I could move onward and not think about once was, but for whatever reason, I am going through this, and I try to remain hopeful that when the time is right, the darkness will be lifted. I guess everyone heals at their own unique pace. It really sucks, and many times lately, I don’t feel ok. Peace to all..

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    1. I absolutely agree that we each find healing in our own time. It’s a tough process, and can hurt more than the original wound sometimes, but I do believe God works at our tempo while moving us forward. I’m very sorry about what’s happening and I’m praying for you today, anonymous friend.

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  5. Yes, yes, and YES! Platitudes like, “God will never give you anything…” and God will take care of this…” are mostly useless reminders. Most of us already know this.
    Sometimes we are in this spot and it’s very, very real. Your transparency, brother, is what allows you to post these kinds of feelings. I’ve always appreciated that and it’s helped me be more transparent with others. Hugs from Texas.

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    1. Yes, in fact those verses have been abused for quite a while. God absolutely does give us more than we can handle, and then gives us Himself. Thank you again Cindy!

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  6. Of course it’s ok! Life is full of ups and downs, and sometimes we need help to overcome adversity. When we hurt, it is very hard to hide it, at least it is for me, it is written all over my face no matter how hard I try to hide it. Pain is part of life, sharing it with others helps smooth it out.

    Thanks for sharing!

    Ed Christian

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  7. I needed so desperately to see this right now. Thank you for your honest words. Feeling like this is such a lonely place to be. And even though I know I’ll come out the other side and be OK (because I have done so every other time), it’s hard. It is so dang hard.

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  8. This is very timely and genuine. I am a master of disguises but I know at the end of the day, I cannot lie to myself. I just feel like staring at the ceiling for hours after crying the whole night and the pain just wouldn’t go away. You see, my dad died some three years ago but during the weekend, it is as if he just left us a day ago. The pain is so fresh, vivid and this is the only time that I get to grieve, (delayed reaction, right) for his loss. I wasn’t able to cry before… I wanted to feel every inch of pain so that I could be done and over it. Thank you for this post. It feels good to know that I am not alone in this phase.

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    1. Hey dear friend, I’m so sorry to hear about what happened and I’m praying right now for your continued journey of healing. It’s tough to fully feel what you feel, and it’s risky, but such is what makes us human.

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  9. I feel the same way Adrienne—buffeted by so much really bad lately—really, really, really bad. I am sorry you have to be here with me. But sometimes it is good to just know that you are not alone in this awful place and that your pain is heard and acknowledged. Is there anything I can do to help?

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