You Are Not Your Sexuality

fall-out-ahoy asked a question:

What is your opinion on asexual people? (Also your book Mad About God is amazing!)

Hey dear friend, thank you so much. I hope you’ll leave some kind words about the book when you’re finished, but totally optional and up to you!

I believe sexuality is such a significant discussion with too many nuances and angles that I couldn’t possibly do it justice here. Any time it’s brought up online, everyone yells or rips it apart or assumes I’m implying something terrible if I missed even one little point. I sometimes hate talking about this because I get scared of offending people, and I end up dancing around answers because of over-sensitive, self-victimizing shaming that has already pre-judged that I’m a bigot. You have to know that I love you and I love people and I only care that others would know Jesus and see Jesus in me. I might fail at that, but I’m really trying. I’m asking for your grace if I say anything that’s tone-deaf or unthoughtful.

Here’s the thing. Sexuality is not the most important facet about a person. I don’t think you mean to say it is, but I find so much idolatry and vanity in this area that we fight over it like it’s life-and-death. It’s one slice of a much bigger pie that encompasses an entire human being.

If a person is asexual, whether that means they have no sexual impulse or they’re androgynous or they have zero interest in dating, I think that’s great. They’re not weird or subhuman or projects to be worked on. I just hope we know that who we’re attracted to isn’t the be-all, end-all foundation of a person, and no one can sustainably revolve around a sexual identity as their whole cause and character.

That’s why both the red-faced angry preacher and the sensational daytime news anchor who pounce on sexuality as a platform are diminishing very real people. Both the church and the wider culture have disproportionately escalated the issue, while the starving children I’ve seen in the streets of the Philippines don’t even have the time or head-space to make such a thing a priority. It’s such a slim, imbalanced view on a living breathing person. Important? Yes. Urgent? I’m less sure. I want to know, Do you love Jesus and do you know you’re loved by him? Do you love people like he does?

I have other questions, too. Like, What are you living for? What are you dying for? What’s your greatest love? What’s your biggest hate? What gets you through the darkness? Where do you think this is all going? What are you glorifying and worshiping? How will you live your story? What’s the message you’re giving each day? Who do you believe God is? What are you really about?

Relationships are certainly important. Marriage takes work. Singleness takes work. Sexuality should be talked about. The Bible has some crucial things to say on all this. But life is not about finding romance nor resisting it. So many of these things are secondary, and while they require a great deal of attention, they’re temporary. We’re designed for eternity. I hope our choices today reflect that, too.

— J.S.


11 thoughts on “You Are Not Your Sexuality

  1. I like this post a lot. To answer your question, I don’t think asexual is odd at all. While some assume that but I think its actually biblical that God made people that will never get married or feel the need to be with someone.


  2. I really appreciate this. Yes, sex is one aspect of how God created us, and it is an area in which we need to exercise discernment, but sex, either practiced or abstained from, does not define humanity.


  3. I absolutely love this. As a college-aged person I’ve seen the majority of my friends recently attempt to base who they are on their sexual preferences, and it kills me because I know that there is SO much more to them than their sexual orientation, and there are so many more important things that are being ignored because everyone seems to be arguing about it. Thank you for this!


  4. HI Pastor J.S Park ,

    Could you perhaps further explain this scripture—> “He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him…Like one from whom men hid their faces he was despised and we esteemed him not.” ( Isaiah 53:2 )

    Does that mean the bible says Jesus was ugly-looking ? ?

    p.s your post has inspired me to think about appearance V.S our self-esteem and identity.

    I’m in my mid 20’s and I feel guilty that as a Christian, I don’t know why I CARE SO MUCH the WAY I LOOK .
    I don’t know if it’s because of my gender as a woman and that makes me CARE so much about my appearance ? So many of my Christian girlfriends are getting botox and fillers these days and we’re in our 20’s … Do you think it’s wrong if I also want to get botox on my face… ughh, I know I sound vain and superficial for asking this, but as a Christian…I genuinely want to know what Jesus would think about this… sorry if i irritate you for asking this…

    God Bless,
    just a Christian GirL from Orange County


    1. I’m not Pastor Park but I think that sometimes the whole WWJD way of thinking can be a hindrance rather than a help. I have tattoos, and I remember before getting my first one wanting someone to answer the question: “Is Jesus okay with tattoos?” After almost 10 years of tattoos, I can now confidently say that Jesus doesn’t really care about my tattoos. He cares about my heart. He cares about your heart. He doesn’t care about your face. He cares about what you spend your time thinking about, what you spend your money on, and how you love people. Botox sounds like a poor and unnecessary use of money to me, but ten years worth of tattoos might sound like a poor and unnecessary use of money to someone else. In the end, you have to ask yourself – will THIS (whatever it is – botox, a bigger house, a new phone, a boyfriend) make me more like Jesus? Will THIS thing that I want move me forward in the process of restoration, move me toward the cross? Because if the answer is no, it’s not something Jesus would do.


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