Everyone has their own idea of the future, and at any moment it can be smashed to pieces. We’re not in as much control of our lives as we tend to think. And the more you plant your hope into something so untenable, so will your soul dry up into a soul that is collapsible.
I am begging you now: If you’re in this place of over-attachment to anything outside of you, please find a healthy way to handle it or just leave. Otherwise you will crush that person, that dream, that future, and you will be crushed by it too. Nothing can be sustained under the weight of your idolatrous expectations, including you. It’ll be worth your time to seek counseling, seek outlets, seek real help — and don’t get addicted to the recovery either. You need to learn to be alone with the silent vacuum of your own thoughts: because when you honestly confront the ugliness inside, you will be liberated from the weight of yourself.
I’m not writing this from a wrapped-up bowtie of a life. I’m still fractured in so many places of the soul; I still feel depression sinking its bony fingers into my sides. But I’ve also found that in the healing, by the grace of God and through wonderful friends, that life is worth living. If you think it hurts right now — healing hurts even more, because you have to get up and move. But I’d rather hurt this way. If life has to be pain, then I’d rather hurt moving forward than sitting down.
8 thoughts on “Finding a New Dream In The Wreckage”
I like your blog! Thanks for the honesty here.
Thank you Olivia!
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Love the honesty. Very encouraging for me to read today!
Thank you for this refreshing reminder! I know that sometimes I THINK I want to be healed, but in reality, it’s much more comfortable to stay where I am. I’m gradually moving in the right direction, hoping it’ll be worth it.
Yes, it’s a different pace for everyone and I can’t presume to know where we all are, but eventually the moving-forward must happen. Praying for your continued journey 🙂
Thank you for your prayers!
Exactly, exactly, EXACTLY what I needed to read. I’ve been mulling these things over after a rough period, and it’s so relieving to know that someone else has struggled through the same thoughts, the same hard lessons, the same pain and disillusionment and “collapsible soul” that idolatry of anything causes. That’s exactly what it feels like – you’ve phrased it so beautifully and accurately.
Everything you’ve written is so specific and applicable to my situation; I know Jesus wanted me to see it. I’ve been reading your tumblr posts lately and I so appreciate your articulate, thoughtful and honest reflections.
And I pray for you in your depression, it is one of the most terrible things I’ve known. And the ominous feeling that it is returning is horrible – something I’m experiencing right now too! I pray and sincerely hope that you experience God’s strength and grace and courage through it, and that even when you don’t feel it, you can KNOW that God is fighting it for you and with you.