How’s Your Life After Porn Addiction? And Is There Any Hope To Find a Lust-Free Man?


speaktenderly asked a question:

Since your porn addiction and recovery, do you have freedom in the way you see women now? Are you still affected by objectifying thoughts? I ask as I am a woman, discouraged at the state of men. Just recently a very godly man attempted to push boundaries with me – and it honestly broke my heart. Can you make sense of how men and lust works? Can someone love you and in the next moment hurt you because of being led by lust? Then he claimed it was because he wanted to be close? I need truth.


Hey there my friend, thank you for your honesty, and I’m really sorry about what you just went through.  I know that broken trust is one of the most hurtful things that can happen.

What happened to you is absolutely dead wrong.  If a man goes against your consent, that is completely done and over.  No sympathy, no pity, no pampering.  He cannot rationalize his way out of this one.  You can forgive him, but you don’t ever have to be his friend or anything else.

Inevitably though: Any man that you meet today, no matter how good and godly, will struggle with lust in a lifelong battle of both internal and external turbulence, and while some are better at it than others, you’ll definitely be engaging to fight that battle together.  This goes for women, too, because illegitimate lust is not specific to gender.

About a hundred years ago, most of the sensual lewd images of that day would’ve been bare feet or maybe an ankle bone.  Imagine a bunch of dudes with mustaches and monocles looking at a picture saying, “Unfh, dat ankle.”  I’m being dumb here, but only a few generations before us, we weren’t bombarded with so many visual lures.

I say this knowing that 1) the human heart has always been twisted, and 2) we can’t blame external stimuli for our internal troubles.  But the pervasive access to pornography has certainly heightened our sexual dysfunction, and there’s no doubt that we live in a much more sexualized culture than ever before.  And the US is not even the most sexually “free” nation.  So all this is an uphill reality that needs a new arsenal.


Please know that I am NOT enabling or coddling, at all.  When a man’s lust manifests into physical aggression or coercion, this is his fault and his fault alone.  This sort of lust is indicative of larger issues with self-control, including how to use money and time.  On top of that, it’s mostly celebrated when men are out-of-control morons.  Most men are taught that any act of lust is really okay, so they’ve never practiced discipline.  We’re not taught to respect women as people, but a porn-culture teaches us to see women as receptacles. Most men have not found healthy ways to manage their own lust nor have learned how to channel it in the right direction: and most men don’t want to grow up from this.  So we’re dealing with a mix of both inner and outer issues, both choice and environment.

Here’s the difference.  If a man wants to get better at this, then he’s a man.  If he admits there’s a problem and he understands his surroundings and is making steps to freedom, then even his stumbling is still progress.  But if there’s even a glance back in the wrong direction or some hint of holding on with a foot out the back door, then he’s not ready for a relationship, much less raising daughters and having financial stability and leading a family into the future.  It’s not just that a man tries to get better, but wants to.

I can say with all glory to God: I am so much better off without pornography.  I’ve been sober for over three years.  My mind feels cleaner, I don’t objectify women as much as before, and I’ve been much more productive.  Yet I’ve had to stay vigilant.  I can’t let my guard down.  I’m always a recovering porn addict.  And even cutting off porn doesn’t mean I’m suddenly free of lust.  It’s a raging fight against sin to run towards God, every day.  Some days are better than others, but quitting porn was the bare minimum to even be able to stand.

I have a wonderful lady who understands all this.  She knows I fought a fifteen year porn addiction, she knows I’ve slept with girls before, she knows I have to keep my guard up the rest of my life.  But most importantly: she knows my heart, and she knows that I love Jesus and want his freedom.  She knows I will do whatever it takes to cut off temptation and stay in grace.  I can’t say I will ever do this perfectly: but I will run with passion.  There are, in the end, no good men: but only men who want Jesus to be their everything.

— J.S.


For posts on fighting porn addiction, click here.

For the podcast series on how I overcame porn, including a fasting challenge and how porn affects your brain, click here.


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6 thoughts on “How’s Your Life After Porn Addiction? And Is There Any Hope To Find a Lust-Free Man?

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