So About Finding “The One”

givinghimglory asked a question:

Do you think it’s possible to know that the person you’re with is the person you’re going to marry? Even if it’s something that wouldn’t take place until maybe a few more years, is it possible for us to know that the person we’re currently with is the person we’re we’re gonna marry? Does God allow us to know that? And if so how would we know? I’m currently battling with trying to understand this better, and if there’s anything biblical that may go in line with this & your thoughts on this also!

Hey my dear friend, I have two thoughts on this that could make it harder for you to decide, but will hopefully also free you up to make a more informed decision.

1) I absolutely do not believe that “God’s Will” is a fixed straight line.

2) I believe that God is more concerned with who you become than what you do.  He cares about both, but God primarily sees your heart before your choices.

Whenever someone asks me, “Is the person I’m dating the one?” — I always wonder if this is born out of panic or desperation or the anxious urge to be not-single.  Because when you suddenly convince yourself that this person must be the only person for me: then what happens if this person turns out to be way different than what you’ve perceived?  What if they suddenly leave you?  What if they use you up and spit you out?  Are we then trapped by “God’s Will” to keep going?

I think the idea of God’s Will is way more flexible than our self-persuasion, and that it’s unwise to enslave ourselves to a singular picture of how things must work out.  I don’t mean to presume your motives at all: but I wouldn’t want you to get imprisoned by this either.  Some of us who fall for this “fixed blueprint” for God’s Will end up punishing themselves because they think they’re now running after Plan B or some lesser version of God’s plans.

It’s very possible that God could point out His plans for you.  I wouldn’t dismiss that either.  Most missionaries feel called, or a pastor gets “the calling,” or you feel that God is calling you out of your career into another.  But most of the time, God wants you to be a certain type of person.  This means that a thoughtful decision about your relationship involves understanding the partnership and where it will go in fifty years.  Any dude off the street can give you a good time for a few weekends, or even a few months.  A deeper relationship though is painstakingly carved from marble and plunges to the depths of your guts.

If you’re looking for marriage, try to imagine growing old with this person and having your future kids around them.  Try to imagine this person on date-night when you’re sixty years old.  Try to imagine when all your looks are gone and all you have left is your mind and your heart.

Once you do feel a certain person is the one, then be ready to work on yourself.  You’ll be tempted to start right at the partnership: but without a hard look at yourself first, you won’t even know what to work on, and you’ll end up blaming the other person for everything that goes wrong.  Without a healthy daily repentance in prayer and Scripture and fellowship, you’ll be dang near intolerable when it comes to resolving conflicts or making decisions together.  Again: God does care about what you do, but He mostly cares about who you are.  Rest in His grace and run after Him, and you’ll find the peace to make those informed decisions.

— J.S.