When you have a problem with your parents, the pastor, the boss, the teacher, the blogger, your friend —
Most of us try talking with them once, and then we give up. Me included. We presume the initial reaction is the whole reaction, so we walk away furious or frustrated.
But one discussion can’t possibly cover every angle of both sides. A first reaction is usually just the emotional instinct spilling out sideways, and no one ever does this very well. It’s unfair to shut the door right then. You can say “I tried and he was still stubborn!” — but basically you stabbed a hole in the guy and left.
It takes a few days to process everything that you told someone. It’s not new to you because you’ve had time to think on it. It’s new to them and it will open fresh wounds. It’ll take more than one conversation to start traction on moving forward. It even takes dozens of one-on-one talks to push past the uncomfortable, gritty, defensive posture into real dialogue. If you’re not willing to invest the time, then you’ll have half-formed judgments all over the place without any constructive healing or momentum.
Please don’t narrow down a whole person into a fifteen minute meltdown. Please don’t presume every single motive based on one phone call. A back-and-forth over texting doesn’t finish the sentence on anything. Communication takes patience, effort, grace, empathy, and forgiveness. Expect the first time to be rough. And expect most people are just as reasonable as you and are willing to learn, so long as you meet them eye to eye.
— J.S.
J.S. Park: Hospital Chaplain, Skeptical Christian 
This is what love is – the long haul. In our throw-away, instant-gratification culture we have lost the practice of conversation. We want a quick agreement and then get on with something else. I’m glad God practices long-term friendships that survive the meltdowns and tantrums and cry-parties and victories…
Peace
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Yes. It seems the entire Bible is the long patient dialogue that God has with His people.
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So true!!! I’m in a situation similar to this right now and the amount of time I’ve spent meeting with people has been EXHAUSTING, but worth it! When relationships are put to the test, the amount of followup can make it or break it.
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Yes! While I definitely believe in wisdom & safety & boundaries with friendships, that doesn’t mean we can still do that without grace.
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This is a good bit of advice JS. Often we have to give conversation some space to take route. We can’t “deal with it and have done.” People just don’t work that way.
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Right on, thank you for always commenting and adding insight. It’s very tough, but I know too many people who are quick to cut off friendships and they have new friends every other month. Real love leans in as much as possible and doesn’t look for an easy exit out.
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Good advice and so important to keep in mind when communicating with others on any subject. Thanks for this little nugget into communication! I know I must remember relationship first rather than trying to get the other person to agree with me.
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Thank you! It’s human nature to be “right” all the time, since we’re born into a self-righteous need for justification. It’s easier to win an argument, but it often happens at the expense of the relationship.
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