Hey man, I’ve currently been struggling with feeling that I am unworthy of the time and love of Godly girls. I don’t feel like I’m good enough to even ask them out. Do you think that’s a valid thing to be feeling or is it more of a copout?
Hey my dear brother, may I first please say: The very fact that you even care about this and cared to ask me shows a huge step of maturity and humility. It’s not easy to confess this sort of thing to another brother, so you’re already making the right moves.
But please allow me to break down some motives here.
When a dude says they’re not good enough for a God-centered woman, they’re either saying
1) I really want to step it up in my faith to find a good woman, or
2) I’m not really a leader-type, so I’ll allow the woman to lead me in our relationship.
So a question. Are you #1 or #2?
And of course, it’s a trick question. Neither options are good, at all.
1) If you only focus on trying to be a good Christian man for a woman — you already know where this will go. You’ll be enslaved to making your life about a woman. You’ll try to squeeze the benefits of “better behavior” from God rather than just getting God for God. You’ll also be pretty dang neurotic and twitchy every time a girl walks in the room.
2) If you think that some dudes are meant to be “led” by a woman in the relationship — what you’re saying is that you want less responsibility in a relationship, which is a loophole to keep yourself stagnant and lazy. It means you don’t want to work or grow or lead or be responsible. I hear so many Christian dudes use this particular excuse that it’s no wonder the Christian women are finding it impossible to meet a good man. Please know that I’m not saying anything about gender roles (on which I’ve said plenty here). I’m saying that anyone, man or woman, who doesn’t want to take up responsibility for their life and their relationships, is really just opting for laziness and self-entertainment.
But I don’t think you’re operating out of these motives. You’re probably being really hard on yourself, or maybe there’s an insecurity or inadequacy you haven’t confronted, or there’s some kind of history or baggage or secret double life that you’re still struggling with. And maybe no one has told you how to handle you before you try to handle a relationship.
You see: Somewhere along the way of our faith, most men hear two very different messages. The first is, “God says you’re good enough!” But the second is, “Most men are deadbeat dads and jobless losers and feminine nobodies, so don’t become like them.” And neither message actually helps anything. The emphasis on both sides just disorients us into confusion.
The truth is that no one is good enough on their own. That’s why we need God’s grace. And even with God’s grace, it’s hard to be a dad and find a job and to “be a man.” So we need the humility to know “I’m not good enough,” but also the confidence to say, “My God is good enough.” And it’s within this tension that you’ll find the confidence to do everything else, with a reduced anxiety and less fear of rejection and a more teachable spirit.
A woman isn’t looking for a guy who thinks he’s perfect. She’s looking for an honest dude who’s working aware of his limitations but who’s also aware of God’s limitless goodness. I can lead when I’m led by God, because on my own, I can’t lead anything. Any man who claims to lead on his own is not even qualified to be the boss of himself.
If you really think you’re not “good enough” to find a good woman, you’re right. Just back that way up and start from scratch. Navigate the depth of your own shortcomings in the light of God’s grace found in Jesus, and you’ll become better without even hardly knowing it. No Christian ever needs to “try” to become a Christian: you’re His the second you believe. The sooner you embrace your adoption in Him, the more you will embrace both equal humility and confidence, because Christ died for your very real sin, but he died out of his very real love for you. Don’t waste another second on self-pity or shame. Jump into what Jesus did for you.
A last word. Any time someone pursues God with the secondary intent of finding a date, they get really bitter when no one comes along. I can understand that, because loneliness can certainly be painful. But if we turn to God even with the good intent of trying to “upgrade” ourselves, then God becomes a bank. Then our faith is just a transaction, and we’ll either push God in our debt or we’ll wallow in our own. So please focus on you and God before you throw a second person into the equation. Discover God on your own. Any secondary motives will have to be set aside for now. Pursue Christ first and you will grow in confidence and character. Or as Jesus said,
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Run after Christ and you’ll find someone running alongside you. And if you don’t, keep running.