I want to kill myself. I been in an adolescent ward when I was like 16. I’m now 17 and things have only gotten worse for me. I’m a girl and I’m addicted to stuff I shouldn’t be. I was sexually abused/molested when I was younger and when I was younger I abused someone close to me … I apologized and they forgave me and our relationship is really good but every time I see that person I die inside knowing I ruined their innocent life. I’m addicted to porn. I hate it. Girls shouldn’t have this problem so why do I? I have tried stopping but it doesn’t help. I struggle on and off with self harm and I feel very alone. I’ve been here before but this time I really feel Like God couldn’t forgive me more or less WANT me. That’s why I am going to end it … I just need someone to talk to. Sorry I bothered you with this it’s not your problem. Just yeah forget it.
Hey my dear wonderful friend: I’m really so sorry you’re going through all this. You need to know that neither I nor God nor this blogging community would ever, ever judge you. We love you, for real.
I also know there are no magic words or an instant cure that could make this all go away, and I wish there was — but really, anything I say to help right now will probably sound like cheesy pep-talk. I couldn’t possibly fix anything with my meager words. I’ve been where you are, and when people tried to cheer me up, it always felt so gray and hollow.
But hey: The fact that you even reached out to someone is already a huge awesome step in the right direction. And I hope you keep reaching out. I hope you find a friend close by to hear you out and walk with you through your whole ordeal. I hope you get involved in an encouraging community that can affirm you have more life to live and you are NOT your past and that God still wants to do amazing things through you. I hope you have one-on-one time with mature people who can affirm you are loved. Whether it’s a pastor or an older Christian woman or a 60 year old grandmother or a therapist — I really hope you seek genuine help for yourself.
There is zero shame in doing this. I think most of us try to walk this spiritual life alone and we attempt some kind of “mental re-arrangement” to understand God’s love. But you know, God’s love becomes so much more real when you’re amidst other God-loving people who love you. It’s why 1 John 4:12 says, No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. God does want us to get face-to-face with people to experience His grace.
Right now, there are people around you who do want to help you. I know it doesn’t seem like it. But God always specifically puts people around us who are waiting to invest their lives in us. You are not a burden to anyone. God has placed people near you who are ready. There are good local churches around. Your high school has counselors. There are good older brothers and sisters in Christ who do want to take you in like family. We just need to open our eyes a bit for that. You’ll need to step out in faith and go.
You might feel like you don’t want to talk to anyone about your issues. I understand that and I know it’s tough to open up sometimes. I know there’s a fear of judging. I refused help for a long time because I was so prideful and self-pitying. But please go against your natural urge to stay alone and please actively seek out others who can show you the love and encouragement you need. By God’s grace, force yourself into a place where you can be open.
It’s very possible that God has already sent several good people to you: and you might have turned them away or not noticed. I’m not trying to guilt-trip you here — we all do this, and I did it for years. Yet I realized later that God was never short in sending help. I kicked myself to search for those people again and I was glad I did.
Another thing is: When I actually began to get help, I knew secretly that I was afraid of changing. Somehow, I was comfortable with being a victim and hating myself and staying depressed in a rut. I’m not saying this is your case. But I was so dependent on being a broken person that I was afraid of actually finding happiness and peace. I thought, “Who am I to be happy like anyone else?”
I had to get to the place where I believed God does want me to be happy, to have joy, to have wholeness, to live a forgiven life of purpose and power. So if any part of this is true for you, there must come a time when you let go of your old default mode and to actually bask in the infinite goodness of God. Jesus really is waiting there with so much joy, and you’re allowed to let go of holding yourself back from that endless well of His love. Please don’t hold yourself back because you think you “deserve” less. We are certainly sinful, but God is in the business of saving sinners.
Probably most of this is not what you wanted to hear. It will definitely take more than a blog post to really change much of anything. Please continually seek others who will point you to God. Get honest with them. If one of them judges you, you don’t ever have to talk to them again: but please keep looking. Don’t give up on this. Don’t give up on you.
I will absolutely pray for you. Please feel free to message me any time, even if it’s just to vent. We all love you, and so does He.