Firstly, I admire your blog & have found it encouraging so thanks. I’m 29 single female no job living at home failing at uni & am struggling through a bout of depression & suicidal thoughts. I’m afraid & feel alone. Have no friends. Been disconnected from God. Super shy & anxiety ridden. No $ for meds or counseling. Feeling hopeless. No motivation. Can’t sleep. Don’t know who else to talk to. Sorry if seems like a lot 😦 I feel lost.
Hey my dear wonderful beloved friend:
Please first know that you are loved. No matter how you feel and no matter how trite this sounds right now, you are absolutely loved. At the very least by me and the wonderful blog community, and at the very most by God Himself.
Please also know that all of us go through struggling seasons of self-doubt, fear, anxiety, and depression. We often daily trudge through a hopeless choking fog that seems to have no end. The world can be dark at times. It can feel like your life will always feel this way.
I’ve fought depression my entire life. And can I tell you a secret?
When I kept stepping forward despite myself, even one measly lousy pathetic half-step forward — I was able to make it one more day toward the sun. I was able to barely just make it around the corner to a breakthrough.
When I felt my lowest — and by lowest, I meant cutting myself and binging and fantasizing about my own funeral — I would still go out to church events. I would still meet my friends, mentors, and my pastor. I’d still serve the homeless and lead praise and read my Bible. Most days it felt like I was breathing through shrinkwrap. I could hardly stand to sing one more song. But I did it anyway. Because I was determined to believe that the objective reality of God existed outside my subjective internal axis, and I acted as if God loved me despite what I really thought about Him.
Somehow, this was NOT as mechanical as I thought it would be. Almost by accident, my friends and mentors and my pastor would suddenly say some deep, profound, insightful, somewhat humorous comment that would rock me out of my orbit and bring some colors back to the world. Occasionally, a song would stir something in me again. Just sometimes, a church event would invoke in me the true majestic beauty of God and how things are meant to be, and I would have just enough strength to step one more time.
Looking back now, I realize all these tiny steps were just miracles. The birth of a friendship, the random words of life, the last-second encouragements, the lyrics of a song that struck me — these were all God working. And I wasn’t so stubborn to refuse them. I wasn’t drowning in so much self-pity that I ignored them. I kept half an eye open. And I admitted God was there, even at my worst. I admitted that Jesus dying for me on a cross was enough. And I would take one more pitiful step towards Him: and His grace would continue to woo me.
Can you believe this today? Even for one more step? Can you punch through just another breath? Can you find friends and look for opportunities? Can you ask around for help as much as possible?
Because I believe this season will pass, and I believe a breakthrough is around the corner. I believe God is rooting for you, and even when times get hard and harder still, God is cheering for you to the very end. He understands your struggle because He was one of us, and really: He will always be there no matter what it looks like.
As much as you might not want to believe today: act as if it were true.
I love you, dear friend. May the sun break the clouds just a little, so you may see Him.