Question: Women Pursuing Men?

Anonymous asked:

I have set a standard of not pursuing men whom I am interested in. However, this makes it so difficult as a woman because it’s hard to show interest without being the pursuer. In addition, having a crush is difficult for me since I desire a committed relationship that will lead to marriage someday, not just petty relationships that fill loneliness. How do I go about relationships with men whom I’m interested in without pursuing them?


I’m saying this because I love you, dear sister: but I totally chuckled at your message.

Especially this sentence: “How do I go about relationships with men whom I’m interested in without pursuing them?”

I’m not trying to be mean here.  I also completely understand that a woman can look “desperate” or “man-crazy” if she pursues a guy.  And there’s a very slim chance that a guy might notice you if you make a duck face at him long enough (which already breaks your rules).

So can we step back a bit?  Please allow me the grace to say: Ladies, it’s okay for you to throw a direct signal at another guy if you’re interested. 

I’ll go one further and say that a nice Christian dude usually needs a direct signal because they would never know otherwise.  Most of my guy-friends, as educated and professional as they are, can be as dumb as rocks when it comes to women.  I include myself in there too.

But I think a lot of this has to do with the strange subculture of Christian dating.


We really need to relax a lot about dating and romance.  The Christian subculture gets pretty dang oppressive. Like when an older lady tells you, “Stop thinking about the way that boy brushed your arm!” — well, sorry lady, but Elisabeth Eliot spent a page talking about the way Jim brushed her arm in Passion and Purity, and Elisabeth Eliot is the ultimate mascot for pure Christian ladies.  I’ve read her book twice and she went sort of crazy going after Jim.  It was also totally sweet.

Oh, and Timothy Keller’s wife actually pursued him by basically saying, “We’re either dating or we’re not going to be friends anymore.”  Pastor Tim admitted he had no idea she felt that way until she said so.  I don’t hear anyone dissing Tim Keller’s wife on this — and in fact, I applaud her.

If you need a biblical example: I seem to remember Ruth, the ancestor of Jesus Christ, approaching a certain Boaz by laying under his covers and proposing to him for marriage.  That’s not very subtle.


This is our human reality: that we’re hardwired to be attracted and feel chemistry and get hormonally excited, and when we’re chained down by weird cultural etiquette, you’re also diminishing your humanness. 

So please, please, please be okay with going into an environment where you can meet many nice cute Christian men.  And if you’re rejected: it might hurt, but it’s not the end of the world. 

I am NOT condoning casual dating nor philandering nor even an emphasis on the dating scene.  I’m not saying every woman needs to start pursuing the dude.  I’m not saying you shouldn’t be careful, because you should, and if you feel some red flags, then bounce. 

Yet please do not enslave yourself to a chokehold mentality that is supposed to be “helping” you when it’s only throttling your God-created femininity.  And pursue God first in all this, because the main focus is not about finding a right partner: but becoming full in Christ, so that no one else may be your savior but Him.  In between that space, you’ll find the guy you’re looking for, and he’ll be looking for you too.

— J.S.


4 thoughts on “Question: Women Pursuing Men?

  1. Great answer, speaking as yet another dumb-as-a-rock Christian male!
    A fairly recent conversation, which started after some church event when I was chatting to a small group of members and adherents:
    My wife: “Get over here.”
    Me: “Sure, sweetheart, what’s the problem?”
    Wife: “Can’t you see how that woman’s making up to you?”
    Me: “Which woman?” No, I really can’t tell. And I still don’t know how my wife got me so far as proposing! (That was 20-some years ago, so maybe it’s just poor memory).


  2. J.S. How do your words come across so light and practical, yet make the serious points, too. Your blog is filled, post after post, with Proverbs 16:24 words.

    Humerous note: After a 20 year marriage, divorced several years, I worked at an industrial facility – me the only female among 16 men. There was one man I especially liked for his thoughtful manner, work ethic, integrity…total class act on the job. Then I respected him. Then admired him. Then…well…think Elisabeth Elliot. I tried to talk to him during breaks. Smiled and nodded a lot! Finally asked a goup of guys at work how a woman lets a man know she is interested in him. When they finished laughing, (and making other comments), they told me that men are really dense, and to just ask him to dinner. I finally did, so nervously and casually I’m not sure if I even made eye contact…OK…I didn’t make eye contact (after 23 years with no dating experience – which I had always found awkward anyway – I had the social maturity of a middle-schooler). He couldn’t make it, and it took four months for him to ask me to dinner. We’ve been married 9 years. 😀

    Blessings, Diane


    1. So glad to hear it worked out that way. 🙂
      I don’t think I’m an expert on any of this, and certainly “women pursuing men” can go wrong, just as anything can. But I do hope we don’t equate that with sin, because it most definitely is not.


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