I have the fear that no one will ever love me and have horrible self esteem. So I started lying and acting like I am more interesting then I am and now I don’t even know who I am at all. What I like or what I don’t like has become a facade and I don’t know what to do to get back to the core me. Because of this I am horrified and worried that I lied myself into this idea of Jesus and Christianity. Even if I do figure myself out, I don’t know if i could forgive myself. How do I fix me and be God’s child?
Thank you for your courage to say what most of us would dare never confess.
There are many of us who are faking it, who feel alone, who secretly think this whole “faith” thing is crazy, who see no way forward — and simply act like it’s fine. This is all part of our human struggle, and it does NOT ever mean you’re unloveable. The very fact that you recognize these things makes you even more of a candidate for God’s unqualifying love.
What I’m seeing from you is the honesty to seek something better. But I think somewhere early in your journey, you believed a lie about yourself, and one lie fed into another, into another, into another, and now you’re so comfortable inside these walls that you can’t imagine anything else. When you believe a lie, it always increases in energy and momentum and darkness until it’s exposed.
So can we start from the top? Can we start over? Let’s leave behind those old lies.
You are loved by your Creator, regardless of what you’ve done or who you are or what happens from here, and you can’t do anything about that. Nothing, I mean nothing, can shake how God feels about you.
Faith, then, is not based on religious activity or behavioral change, but being more and more certain of the reality that God absolutely loves you.
And the truth is, even if you had thousands of friends who liked you and cared for you and hung on your every word — you would still be alone somehow, separated by the invisible walls of communication, limited to the tiny space inside our head and our hearts. The Only One who can intimately know ALL of you also loves you exactly as you are.
You don’t need to “try to be God’s child.” Imagine asking your parents, “How can I be your child?” It is simply a turn of belief.
Faith is growing in the certainty of God’s love by the proof of Him sending His Son to die and rise for you, knowing that He wants to spend the rest of eternity with you.
When you believe this, then —