Sometimes I’m browsing through blogs while ferociously picking for gems in my nose and I see these gorgeously beautiful people with amazing writing talent and life stories, and I stop mid-nose-bleed just to think, “Wow. I will never be that cool.”
There’s a stinging, sinking sense of never being on level with the beauty and brilliance of the In-Crowd. The insecure inner ten-year-old going to school for the first time in a hopefully current outfit never really leaves our soul: we just mask it with so much greasy professionalism and on-the-fly confidence, like the one choir kid copying everyone else’s harmony.
I’m embarrassingly intimidated by super good-looking blog-world and that nasty self-loop of condemnation always playing: You can’t be one of them. It’s a little nauseating, because I know it’s wrong to think so, and then I feel the jagged edge of the gap of being on the outside. It was like that in high school — racism, weight jokes, ugly jokes, “ya corny” — but does that ever really change in college-career-marriage-retirement? I imagine old folks in walkers thinking they’re cooler than the ones with wheelchairs. We don’t sit at lunch together, can’t be seen with motorized whipersnapper over there.
At gatherings I occasionally spaz out because I get so tired of modifying my speech to fit the swagger, and everyone seriously breathes a sigh of relief and finds it okay to laugh at farts again. I mean are any of us actually as cool as we appear to be? Maybe. But at 2am watching Futurama reruns and eating a second pint of Haagen Dazs while burping the alphabet, probably not.
I don’t really like this fear. It’s uncomfortable. I’d like to be cool like some of you people. But you know: I am just a socially awkward introverted mostly corny weirdo who uses memes in real life and references Pokemon.
I am not slick. I’m not as cool as a I pretend to be on my blog. I’m a struggling dude like you. Maybe you’re not cool, either, and let’s be okay with that. Let’s crawl out of this imprisoning socially-acceptable skin and be the wild pirates you grew up playing in your backyard. Put up an ugly picture of yourself. Say dorky stuff. Be honest. Who cares what anyone else thinks. They’re too cool to care anyway.
Originally posted here on my Tumblr.