The Constant Feeling of Never Being In The In-Crowd



Sometimes I’m browsing through blogs while ferociously picking for gems in my nose and I see these gorgeously beautiful people with amazing writing talent and life stories, and I stop mid-nose-bleed just to think, “Wow. I will never be that cool.”

There’s a stinging, sinking sense of never being on level with the beauty and brilliance of the In-Crowd. The insecure inner ten-year-old going to school for the first time in a hopefully current outfit never really leaves our soul: we just mask it with so much greasy professionalism and on-the-fly confidence, like the one choir kid copying everyone else’s harmony.

I’m embarrassingly intimidated by super good-looking blog-world and that nasty self-loop of condemnation always playing: You can’t be one of them. It’s a little nauseating, because I know it’s wrong to think so, and then I feel the jagged edge of the gap of being on the outside. It was like that in high school — racism, weight jokes, ugly jokes, “ya corny” — but does that ever really change in college-career-marriage-retirement? I imagine old folks in walkers thinking they’re cooler than the ones with wheelchairs. We don’t sit at lunch together, can’t be seen with motorized whipersnapper over there.

At gatherings I occasionally spaz out because I get so tired of modifying my speech to fit the swagger, and everyone seriously breathes a sigh of relief and finds it okay to laugh at farts again. I mean are any of us actually as cool as we appear to be? Maybe. But at 2am watching Futurama reruns and eating a second pint of Haagen Dazs while burping the alphabet, probably not.

I don’t really like this fear. It’s uncomfortable. I’d like to be cool like some of you people. But you know: I am just a socially awkward introverted mostly corny weirdo who uses memes in real life and references Pokemon.

I am not slick. I’m not as cool as a I pretend to be on my blog. I’m a struggling dude like you. Maybe you’re not cool, either, and let’s be okay with that. Let’s crawl out of this imprisoning socially-acceptable skin and be the wild pirates you grew up playing in your backyard. Put up an ugly picture of yourself. Say dorky stuff. Be honest. Who cares what anyone else thinks. They’re too cool to care anyway.





Originally posted here on my Tumblr.


11 thoughts on “The Constant Feeling of Never Being In The In-Crowd

  1. Loves! There isn’t a human on earth that posses the level of coolness we observed in High School Movies, or horribly written teen sitcoms, and because of this it’s okay to make who you are COOL! Regardless of who we are, or how confident we seem everyone struggles with insecurities and questions if they are good enough, but it’s your reaction to those feelings that separate the “cool” from the “losers” and who are the losers? Losers are people who don’t accept themselves as winners, people who are oblivious to their many successes, or qualities & only focus on negativity and are not proactive enough to make change in their lives. So my friend, as you question whether you are cool enough, will your blog entertain, will i fit in with the crowd; you already have in my opinion! It’s that little voice inside that motivated you to write this blog that makes you cool, it’s the fact you reference a 10yr old cartoon like Pokemon that makes you cool, your attention to the hurt you’ve endeared by your peers and their exclusivity that makes you cool. In my opinion I’m not the cliche “COOL” but i am such a Kick A S S person, I am probably one the coolest people I know. So keep your head up, continue to share your heart here, and start to make changes so you can reach your full potential! When you have some time check out my blog at sigleandexisting.com/

    Thanks & XOXO

    Lana

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  2. I can relate. Growing up the only other student in school shorter was me was the guy who was a dwarf. The girls loved him; he loved that they loved him. Me? “she’s so short.”
    “you can’t play, you are too little.” Ha ha: “you can’t reach the second cabinet?”
    Nicknames such as “pip-squeak”. or “little one” or in college it was “little bit.” Still at 5’1 I am always shortest, but learned along the way to use it to my advantage. I learned how to fight.
    Who cares anyway? I don’t.

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  3. It think it’s still there, but it changes. I never would have guessed all this stuff about you, JS! You write with authority and challenge me to great depths. However, this nose-picking thing has provided a mental picture that’s difficult to erase (ha!). And, yes, when my kids fart I try my best to suppress my laughter so that they don’t turn out to be too gross as they approach adulthood, but I don’t always win that battle.

    Thanks for being you, bro.

    BTW, wanna feel better about not being in the gorgeous blogger crowd? Check out my blog for today.

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  4. I was a nerd before the word was invented. I loved school, was no good at sports, often sickly, definitely never part of the in-crowd. A few years ago I had an epiphany – all those who I thought were part of the in-crowd felt just like I did. Maybe they were seeing a different in-crowd than I did, but they never felt like they were part of it.

    It’s OK to just drop out of the competition and see people as individuals who are much like me, even though the surface differences seem so big when I don’t know them..

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  5. Bahahaha!!! I thought I was the only who felt that way. Lol You’re pretty cool though and God uses you in amazing ways to touch our hearts and seek more of God everyday.

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