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J.S. Park: Hospital Chaplain, Skeptical Christian

From Devout Atheist to Skeptical Pastor: A Blog For Busted-Up, Beat-Down People (Like Me)

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Day: April 4, 2012

You Need To Know: No Matter What

You need to know you’re loved no matter what.

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Posted on April 4, 2012May 3, 2012 by JS ParkPosted in Christianity, Church, Culture, Life, Praise, Religion, Theology5 Comments

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Sometimes words or encouragement or sitting with someone is not enough. Depression is that insidious. It doesn’t play fair; it has no rules, rhyme, or reason. It doesn’t respond to life even at its best. “Reach out to someone because you never know” is not bad advice. But simply being kind to someone is not enough to stop an avalanche. It’s a drop of water in a desert. It’s not as if enough words will suddenly activate a lever that stops depression in its tracks. It shouldn’t be on family or friends to find a magical threshold, as if the right amount or combination of words was ever going to help. Being a presence, to be there for someone, is always enough to give—but it may not always be enough to save. You may not feel adequate enough to help someone who struggles with depression, but that was always true: you can’t be enough all the time. We cannot cure terminal, and some sorrows only get healed by heaven. That’s a terrible, awful, unfair truth. But God forbid if I ever go that way, I hope you will be released from the guilt of thinking that it was up to you somehow. When I enter that fog of depression, I’m always aware this might be it. This might be the one that wins. I wish I could tell you that your prayers and messages and books and casseroles and pizza dates and medicine and therapy and holding my tears will get me to the other side. So far, it’s worked. One day, I don’t know. I hope to God it will keep working. For one more day, I hope so. To experience your love and laughter and kindness is still worth it to suffer this fog. #typewritertherapy #mentalhealth #depression #faith #hope #encouragement #suicideprevention #suicideawareness #life #love #typography #lettering #jspark

Here’s a weird thing. I’m finding that some of us who grow as humans are tempted to judge others through the grid of our own growth. Growth ought to help us understand each other more, because it says “I’ve been there.” Instead it’s used to say, “You’re way behind me.” So often when we grab onto a new idea, it’s easy to stomp on others who don’t know it yet. This includes me. I start to think, “You’re not being an active listener. You’re not being mindful. You’re not doing self-care. You’re not sitting with my grief.” All those ideas, by the way, are absolutely valuable. But they’re meant to help us connect with each other. They’re not meant to play “gotcha.” It’s unfair to blast somebody who‘s never learned those terms. Or maybe they’ve been looking for those terms their whole life, and you’re the only one who can help. When I speak or teach or write, I get worried that an idea will get weaponized. My bullet points become bullets and points. But your own growth should never be used to condemn, coerce, or cancel anyone. It’s always, always, always to connect. I suspect some of us use these ideas to look good. And using therapeutic language to flex is no different than being hyper-religious or pseudo-rich or an armchair coach. I absolutely endorse therapy, psychology, and self-help. I can’t recommend therapy enough; I’m still here because of it. But it can’t be wielded recklessly. It requires caution, wisdom, and humility. It must be a mirror. That isn’t only true of therapy, but true of religion, leadership seminars, Buzzfeed lists, the latest celebrity guru, bloggers, and YouTubers. Sure, they are helpful. It can feel great to learn “insider language” and to understand those thoughts and feelings which didn’t have a name before. But to impose our own journey onto someone else is abusive. Trying to force someone into a sprint only leads to busted knees and soles that bleed. We can point the way for each other. We must move alongside. #typewritertherapy #encouragement #psychology #empathy #connection #therapy #jspark #faith #typography #lettering #selfcare #boundaries

So my wife and I have been trying to have a child for eight months now. No news yet. I know that eight months is not a long time. I’ve heard it can take years. But—it’s been a little discouraging. Sometimes painful. I was watching a couple of those cute Disney World videos the other day: a dad plays piano at a Disney hotel while his daughter cheers him on, or a mom takes his daughter dressed up as BB-8 to see BB-8. I love watching that kind of stuff these days. And I didn’t expect to feel a strange, almost fiery ache in my chest. It’s a bit embarrassing. Like vicarious joy and hope and jealousy and wistful delight all mixed up and rolling around inside. Is that weird? Small? Over the top? I don’t know. It feels crappy, truthfully. I’m really waiting and wanting to be a dad. I didn’t expect it to hurt this much. I’ve noticed there isn’t a lot of literature for guys who are waiting. I know this is a much harder role for women, and I don’t mean to compare. But it’s hard to know where to go or who to talk to about it. It’s a compound loneliness, when it feels like no one really cares that you’re lonely. One thing I’m learning in the process is that I don’t control a thing. Very little, really. Miracles are God’s business. I can’t make that happen. It’s frustrating. Humbling. Exhausting. It’s enough to make me pray and do a little light cursing. That’s the language of waiting. The one thing I’m holding on to is the old cliché: the waiting isn’t wasted. I’d like to think so, anyway. I’d like to think the waiting means something. That it’s redeemed somehow. Is it? I really hope so. #typewritertherapy #doubt #typography #dads #lettering #faith #encouragement #father #grief #truth #waiting #jspark #patience #endurance #parenting #prayer #hope

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