Nine Ways Your Pastor Will Use The Meteor Over Russia In His Sermon

You already know it’s going to happen.

1) The Good Old Wrath of God

“God spared us all the devastation of this meteor.  Did you know Jesus took your meteor over Russia?  So give your life to Jesus, who become the crater on the cross.”

2) The Brevity of Life

“At any moment, a meteor could come falling out of the sky and destroy all your possessions, like Job.  You don’t want to die without Jesus, DO YOU?”

3) The Insignificance of Man

“We’re reminded again how so very small we are when a ten ton meteor passes by our atmosphere.

4) The End Times Are Coming

“This is yet another sign that Obama isn’t doing his job.”

5) The Hero Story

“There are already reports that a Russian man jumped into a building and saved four babies while reading to a blind child and took down a local mob syndicate.  If you’re using your phone to look this up on Snopes, it’s not there yet, but trust me you guys.”

6) The Nerd Illustration

“The size of this meteor could have fit twelve Mack trucks and leveled a Brazilian rainforest and caused the next Ice Age.  But God IS BIGGER.”

7) The Talk Show Host Joke

“So big news story: a giant object lit up the sky over Russia.  In other news, God catches his son smoking again.”

8) The Charismatic Edifying Victory

“In the name of JEE-sus, we have triumphed over the dark schemes of the Devil and no power of hell can stand against us!  Can I get an amen?  Can I get an extra offering plate to go around?”

9) The Non-Ironic Overly Obvious Warning

“Did you see the meteor? That’s what will happen to you if you don’t turn to Jesus.  Also, probably STDs.  Let’s pray.”

–J.S.